Joke - a - day

[JackAubrey]

im sorry if there is already a thread like this but i couldnt find it so i thought i'd make this

 

give us ur jokes, coz i need to laugh, ill kick us off

 

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Pizza delivery guy.

Pizza delivery guy who?

You ordered a pizza?

Yes.

I’m the guy delivering it.

Great.

 

 

Knock, knock

Who’s there?

FBI!

…

…

[Cathyvicki]

Hehe

 

Knock Knock

Whos there

Dunnop

Dunnop who?

Eurgh!!!!

 

Did you hear about the fella that bought some snailskin shoes?

It took him 2 hours to get out of the shop!

[aliens vs predator]

This is a joke i made up whilst our class was learning about metals.

 

knock knock

 

who's there??

 

Al

 

Al who??

 

Aluminium

 

How about this one:

Why did the golfer bring 2 pairs of trousers?

 

Incase he got a hole in one.

[99% angel]

this is my favourite joke of all time even though its really unfunny if you think about it.

 

knock knock

who's there?

interupting cow

interupting co....

moooooooooo

 

hehe always makes me laugh.

[paretha]

My favourite joke is:

 

a man and his friend were walking along, when his friend suddenly collapses

the man calls an ambuance and says " my friend has died", the service operator person tells him to keep calm and says "first you need to make sure that hes dead" the service operator hears silence and then a shot, the man comes back to the phone "right now what do i do"

 

 

ok i told it really badly!

[Tippin]

That's genius!

 

One of my favs isn't p.c. so don't know if I should post it, its a satire joke really and I also have two uni jokes!

 

1. There was a class of students, Jim and Donald were sat next to each other. The teacher thought Donald was talking so turned round and threw a book at him...Donald Ducked

(From last years 1st year tort exam)

 

2. A lecturer walks into an Oxford law lecture, 3 students, says good morning, no response.

A lecturer walks into a Cambridge law lecture, 12 students, says good morning, they reply Good Morning.

A lecturer walks into a Manchester law lecture, 100 students, says good morning, they all write it down.

 

If you want to hear the satire non p.c. joke then let me know, I heard it going down to my uncle's last year...oooh that reminds me I have another one about Snow White, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo, but will post about that later!

[Tippin]

No longer care about being P.C!

 

There was an Englishman, Welshman and a Frenchman and they were all captured by the Saudi Arabians spying on them and were all sentenced to 100 lashes.

Now the Saudi Arabians thought to themselves 'We're not savages or barbarians, so we'll give them one wish each' So they go to the Welshman 'Now you going to get one hundred lashes but we're going to grant you one wish, so what do you want?'

Welshman: I'd like a pillow strapped to my back please

So he feels about 75 of the 100 lashes and the Saudi's go to the Frenchman, and ask him for his wish

Frenchman: I'd like two pillows strapped to my back please

And he feels about 50 of the 100 and they come to the Englishman and think 'Well this is the British, helped us out a lot in the past, you know we're going to give him two wishes.' So they go to the Englishman and ask him for his wishes.

Englishman: I'd like 2000 lashes please.

Now the Saudi's are very shocked by this and think 'wow jolly nice, thing, captial fellow this Englishman...'

Englishman: But my second wish is to have the Frenchman strapped to my back

[Nessa]

 

This one, while rather lame, is one of my favourite jokes:

 

A man is feeling unwell, so he decides to visit the doctor. "Oh doctor", he says, "I've eaten something that disagrees with me."

From inside him a voice says "No you haven't!"

[aliens vs predator]

Lol, that was pretty funny. Tippin's joke was funny aswell!

[DavidB]

this is my favourite joke of all time even though its really unfunny if you think about it.

 

knock knock

who's there?

interupting cow

interupting co....

moooooooooo

 

hehe always makes me laugh.

That made me laugh a lot more than it should have done

[Tippin]

Okay Snow White, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo are all friends. One day snow white says, you know I think I must be the most beautiful girl in the world and Tom Thumb says, yes you probably are, maybe you should go to God and ask him to give you a certficate proving it! So Snow White goes to see God and comes out of heaven 5 minutes later with the certificate. A few days later Tom Thumb says, you know I probably the smallest person in the world and Quasimodo says, yes you probably are, maybe you should go see God and ask him for a certificate to prove it. So Tom goes to see God and sure enough comes out of heaven 5 minutes later with a certificate. Now Quasimodo is feeling left out and says, you know I probably the ugliest person in the world and Snow White and Tom both say, well we don't want to be mean but you're right, you probably are, so Quasimodo goes to see God but comes out of heaven 2 minutes later looking absolutely miserable and says...

 

...Who's Robin Cook

[porkfat]

 

This one, while rather lame, is one of my favourite jokes:

 

A man is feeling unwell, so he decides to visit the doctor. "Oh doctor", he says, "I've eaten something that disagrees with me."

From inside him a voice says "No you haven't!"

 

bloody hell, I've only just got that one!

 

[Spike's dream date]

What's brown & sticky?

A stick

 

How do you get Pickatcho (sp?) on a bus?

Pokemon

 

 

Now a rude one:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3 nuns are sitting on a bench

A guy comes along & flashes them

2 of the nuns have a stroke, the other one couldn't reach

[Tippin]

hahaha! There are some great nun jokes out there...My fav is one about Hitler but I can't remember how it goes properly, I'll have to ask my dad!

[Tippin]

I remembered it! w00t!

 

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Looking down the bar the man catches sight of a man who looks just like Adolf Hitler, if Hitler were alive today, this is how he would look. So after 5 minutes the man goes over and says,

'I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but you look just like Adolf Hitler, if Hitler were alive today, he would look just like you!'

And the lookalike turns to the man and says,

'But I am Adolf Hitler.'

'That's impossible, you died in a bunker in 1945'

'No, i escaped, i have been living in South America, using Botox to stay alive, it's a miracle really.'

'Oh okay, so er what are you doing back here now?'

'I have come to start the fourth Reich and in it we shall do everything exactlly as we did before! We shall invade Polland, take over Austria, dominate the whole of Europe, kill 6 million jews and one diver.'

Now the man is a little confused and says to Hitler,

'What did the diver do?'

And to this Hitler replies

...

'Ah, you see my friend, no one ever asks about the jews!'

 

This is in noway meant to be offensive in me telling it!

 

Hitler Joke 2:

 

Hitler dies and wants to go to heaven, so he goes up to the golden gates and knocks on them and Jesus answers and Hitler asks to coming in. Jesus refuses saying that he was an evil man and had just murdered 6 million jews and had to go down. But Hitler doesn't give up and knocks again and says to jesus,

'If you let me in, I will give you the Iron cross.' So Jesus goes to see god and explains the situation,

'Hitler's at the gates and he won't go down, but if we let him in, he's promised to give me the Iron cross.' To which God replied,

'AN IRON CROSS? You couldn't even carry a wooden one!'

 

Just like to point out am religious and protesant before get huge backlash!

[Tippin]

Okay yet another jesus joke...

 

Everyone knows in the bible it says, Yet he who be without sin cast the first stone. Now when Jesus was first delivering this sermon his mother and father were both with him (Mary and Joseph) So he stands up and says,

'Yet he who be without sin cast the first stone,' turns around and walks away when he feels something hard hit him in the back of the skull,

'You know mother, you really know how to p*** me off'

[aliens vs predator]

Why did the mushroom throw a party?

 

......because he was a FUN GUY.

[Tippin]

Raul, Ronaldo and Beckham were all at Real Madrid's canteen. They were

eating lunch and Raul said;

 

"Tapas again! If I get tapas one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off the top of the stadium." Ronaldo opened his lunch box and exclaimed,

"Burritos again! If I get burritos one more timeI'm going to jump off, too." Beckham opened his lunch and said,

"Ham & Cheese again. If I get a Ham & Cheese sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

 

The next day Raul opened his lunch box, saw Tapas and jumped to his death. Ronaldo opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. Beckham opened his lunch, saw the Ham & Cheese and jumped to his death as well.

 

At the funeral Raul's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of Tapas I never would have given it to him again!"

 

Ronaldo's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I

didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

 

Everyone turned and stared at Posh Spice. "Hey, don't look at me," she said,

"He makes his own lunch."

[Tippin]

Not so much a joke but it is brilliant and it made me laugh lots!

 

The Wedding Test

 

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married.

 

My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me.

 

That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight Miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

 

One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

 

I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

 

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside.

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

 

The moral of this story: Always keep your condoms in your car.

[PyleaDude]

Whilst enjoying a drink with a buddy one night, this

guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young

girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she

asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks

him if he'd like to come back to her place.

The pair jump into a taxi and go back to her place.

Later after some strenuous lovemaking, the young

man reaches over to his jeans and gets out a

cigarette but he can't find his lighter.

He asks the girl if she has one at hand.

'There might be some matches in the top drawer,' she

replies.

Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a

box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed

picture of another man. Naturally, the guy begins to

worry.

'Is this your husband?' he inquires nervously.

'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend then?'

'No, don't be silly,' she says, nibbling away at his

ear.

'Well, who is he then?' demands the bewildered fellow.

Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the

side of her face and replies, 'That's me before the

operation.'

[aliens vs predator]

good one!