Too Tall's continuing thread of fun

[vamps!]

The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night. eeeeekkkkk!!!!

 

And last and definitely most important: The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.

*runs wretching to the bathroom*

I'll never sleep or eat chocolate again.

 

I feel really sick now, i just had a bar of choccie!!!!!!!!

[bored_now]

The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night. eeeeekkkkk!!!!

 

And last and definitely most important: The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.

*runs wretching to the bathroom*

I'll never sleep or eat chocolate again.

 

I feel really sick now, i just had a bar of choccie!!!!!!!!

Yeah that was one I really didn't want to know. But thanks for the rest.

[Schmooz]

The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left

so can:

 

was it a car or a cat i saw

[vamps!]

LOL i can't even look at posts in here for fear of being made to feel really sick LOl

[Too Tall]

Glad too see you all enjoyed them

 

Don't worry I shall remove any odd things being eaten references from now on

[vamps!]

LOL nah its ok, just made me feel ill as i was literally just eating or ha just finished a choccie bar, late night snack it was LOL. I really should not do that.

[sarah-4-eva]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks."

 

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

 

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

 

The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... very tall, tan, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

lol, i tell that too much, but with people i know

 

for in stance the 3 people will be

 

me, kell and suzi.. or somin, lol

[Jacali]

stragnely, the cholate bar thing dont bother me lol

[Schmooz]

lol, i tell that too much, but with people i know

 

for in stance the 3 people will be

 

me, kell and suzi.. or somin, lol

haha yeha i remember... we were at emilys!

[Too Tall]

"bump"

[Too Tall]

I will stick in some updates on Monday

[Too Tall]

A big update as I think the forum needs some fun as the moment

Edited September 20, 2004 by Too Tall

[Too Tall]

"A Bear and a Rabbit"

 

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have it for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes…

 

Bear, you go first."

 

The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female." For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

 

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well." Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine.

 

The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

 

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

 

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish the bear was gay..."

[Too Tall]

An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe, when an American tourist, chewinggum, sat down next to him. The Australian politely ignored the American who, nevertheless, started up a conversation.

 

 

The American snapped the gum in his mouth and said, "Do you Australian folk eat the whole bread?"

 

 

The Australian frowned, annoyed at being bothered during his breakfast and replied, "Yes, of course we do!"

 

 

The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia."

 

 

The American had a smirk on his face, the Australian listened in silence.

 

 

The American persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?" Sighing, the Australian replied, "Yes." Cracking the gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell it to Australia."

 

 

The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"

 

 

The Yank smiled and said, "Yeah, of course we do."

 

 

The Australian leant closer to him and asked, "What do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

 

 

"We throw them away of course," replied the American.

 

 

"We don't. In Australia, we put them in containers, recycle them, melt them down and transform them into chewing gum and sell them to the States, that's why it's called "Wrigley's".

[Too Tall]

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders, but there are some good ones nonetheless their insight may surprise you.

 

Better to be safe than......................punch a 5th grader

 

Strike while the ...........................bug is close

 

It's always darkest before..................Daylight Savings Time.

 

Never underestimate the power of............termites

 

You can lead a horse to water but...........how?

 

Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty

 

No news is..................................impossible

 

A miss is as good as a......................Mr.

 

You can't teach an old dog new..............math

 

If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning

 

Love all, trust.............................me

 

The pen is mightier than the................pigs

 

An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax

 

Where there's smoke there's.................pollution

 

Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents

 

A penny saved is............................not much

 

Two's company, three's......................the Musketeers

 

Don't put off till tomorrow what..........you put on to go to bed.

 

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ..... you have to blow your nose

 

There are none so blind as........................Stevie Wonder

 

Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded

 

If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries

 

You get out of something only what you...........see in the picture on the box

 

When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way

 

And the favourite .....

 

Better late than ...........................pregnant

[Too Tall]

The following is an excerpt from the July 1943 issue of Transportation Magazine. This was serious and written for male supervisors of women in the workforce during World War II -- a mere 58 years ago! Obviously, the intent was not to be "funny," but by today's politically correct standards, this is hilarious! For those of you with efficiency issues, pay attention to #8.

 

**********

Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees

 

There's no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage.

 

Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject from Western Properties:

 

1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they're less likely to be flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn't be doing it, they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.

 

2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It's always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.

 

3. General experience indicates that "husky" girls - those who are just a little on the heavy side - are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.

 

4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination - one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.

 

5. Stress at the outset the importance of time; the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.

 

6. Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they'll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.

 

7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.

 

8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.

 

9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can't shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman - it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.

 

10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she'll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.

 

11. Get enough size variety in operator's uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can't be stressed too much in keeping women happy.

[Too Tall]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little mad, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

[Too Tall]

Subject: THE LATEST DARWIN AWARD WINNERS:

The awards this year are classic. These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.

5th RUNNER-UP Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.

4th RUNNER-UP Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.

3rd RUNNER-UP Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

2nd RUNNER-UP "Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used the .22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it.""It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off." He put it into his mouth and bit down. Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.

1st RUNNER-UP Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grant's Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.

Now, THIS YEAR'S WINNER. (The late) John Pernicky and his friend,(the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence. The plan was for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100-pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins, to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted and broken, (along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse, on landing his pocket knife penetrated his thigh. Mr. Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, threw him a rope and tried to pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the air.

[Too Tall]

World domination is everyone's dream. It's not a bad job really. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However, every Evil Villain I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. Therefore, I follow these guidelines while conquering the world:

 

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

 

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

 

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

 

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

 

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

 

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

 

7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

 

8. After I kidnap the hot girlfriend of the hero, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

 

9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.

 

10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

 

11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

 

12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

 

13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

 

14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

 

15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

 

16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

 

17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

 

18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

 

19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

 

20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

 

21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

 

22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

 

23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

 

24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

 

25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

 

26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed chamber.

 

27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

 

28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

 

29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

 

30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

 

31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

 

32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

 

33. I will never employ the use of a major weapon that takes time to charge up before firing and utterly destroying the rebel base. Instead I will use weapons that can do the same thing with a single push of a button.

 

34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

 

35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

 

36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

 

37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

 

38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

 

39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

 

40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super-weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

 

41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

 

42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

 

43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the hot rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let him in on my plans.

 

44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

 

45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

 

46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and shoot the advisor.

 

47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

 

48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

 

49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

 

50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

 

51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the hot friend of the hero's cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

 

52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

 

53. If the hot friends of the hero that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

 

54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

 

55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

 

56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

 

57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

 

58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

 

59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

 

60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

 

61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

 

62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

 

63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

 

64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

 

65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

 

66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

 

67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

 

68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

 

69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

 

70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

 

71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

 

72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable super-weapon on them.

 

73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

 

74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

 

75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

 

76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

 

77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

 

78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

 

79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

 

80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

 

81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

 

82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

 

83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

 

84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

 

85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

 

86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

 

87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

 

88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

 

89. After I captures the hero's super-weapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

 

90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

 

91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

 

92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

 

93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

 

94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

 

95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cell-mate tells the guard its an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

 

96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

 

97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.

 

98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

 

99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

 

100. If i am the direct underling of some supreme evil emporeor, I will make sure that he has 4 bodygads posted to him at all times and not try to protect him myself. i have a Legion of Terror to run. ive got no time to be tasked with his security as well as my duties to the legion.

 

101. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

[Too Tall]

Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you got to love this!!!!

 

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

 

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

 

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

 

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

 

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

 

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

[Too Tall]

Poetry Contest Between Redneck and Yale Graduate The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and

a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu." First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

 

Slowly across the desert sand

Trekked a lonely caravan;

Men on camels, two by two

Destination Timbuktu.

 

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

 

Me and Tim a huntin' went.

Met three whores in a pop up tent.

They was three, and we was two,

So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

 

The redneck won hands down!

[Too Tall]

Great metaphors from an English GCSE Exam:

 

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

 

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.

 

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

 

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

 

McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.

 

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

 

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre

 

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

 

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

 

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

 

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left

 

York at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

 

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr.on a Dr Pepper can.

 

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

 

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

 

The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.

 

Even in his last years, Grandpa had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

 

The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of Family Fortunes.

 

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

 

The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. ( I have actually got a brother called Phil)

 

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

 

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 31p-a-pint night.

 

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

 

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."

 

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

 

It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.

 

The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in herm first of several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook MP,Leader of the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.

 

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.>

 

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.

 

The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.

 

It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.

 

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.

 

She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.

 

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.

 

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

 

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

 

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

[Too Tall]

That's it for today, ENJOY

[DavidB]

thanks Stuart

[The Lady Elanor]

"It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. "

 

I'm off to spam my family and friends with those!