Too Tall's continuing thread of fun

[bored_now]

Bump! New updates please.

[Too Tall]

I promise by the end of the week there will be

[Too Tall]

New stuff

[Too Tall]

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)

Scientists at Roll Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, and military jets , all travelling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

You're going to love this......

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:

"Defrost the chicken."

[Too Tall]

WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

 

THE GETAWAY!

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

 

DID I SAY THAT???

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When Detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot,"the man shouted, "That's not what I said! "

 

ARE WE COMMUNICATING??

A man spoke frantically into the phone, " My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No! " the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

 

NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER!!

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllloooooooooo!)

 

THE GRAND FINALE

This is a true story! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella,located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22-ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted over to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

 

REMEMBER, THIS IS TRUE.....

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer. "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity "

[Too Tall]

Subject: Cat and Dog Diaries

 

 

The Dog

 

Day number 180

 

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!

10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!

4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

 

Day number 181

 

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!

9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!

10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!

11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!

1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!

4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!

5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!

 

Day number 182

 

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!

9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!

10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!

11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!

1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!

1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.

4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!

5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!

 

The Cat

 

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.

 

Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

 

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair...must try this on their bed.

 

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

 

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

 

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call "beer.." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

 

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time..

[Too Tall]

DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES

1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

 

2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

 

3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach goers said Daniel Jones, 21 dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday after- noon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA., but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

 

4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

 

5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing.

 

6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

 

7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta,27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

 

DARWIN AWARD HONOURABLE MENTIONS

1. In Guthrie, Okla., in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.

 

2. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.

 

3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.

 

RUNNER UP: Tacoma, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.

 

AND THE WINNER: Paderborn, Germany - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated." It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen. (What a sh1tty way to die!)

[Too Tall]

Subject: Coyotes-A True Story

 

A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.

 

It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled.

 

This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS . All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

 

Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't f***in' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em"

[Too Tall]

Subject: Anagrams

 

David Ginola

Vagina dildo

 

Teddy Sheringham

Teddy Minge rash

 

Ossie Ardiles

spam is soiled

 

Diego Maradona

O dear, I'm a gonad

 

Tony Blair PM

I'm Tory plan B

 

Virginia Bottomley

I'm an evil Tory bigot

 

Michael Heseltine

Elect him, he's alien

 

David Mellor

Dildo marvel

 

Dame Agatha Christie

I am a right death case

 

The Metropolitan Police Force

I'm fellatio, the erect porno cop

 

Benson and Hedges

NHS been a godsend

 

Selina Scott

Elastic snot

 

Mel Gibson

Big melons

 

Gloria Estefan

Large fat noise

 

Chris Rea

Rich spam

 

Martina Navratilova

Variant rival to a man

 

Gabriela Sabatini

Insatiable airbag

 

Irritable Bowel Syndrome

O my terrible drains below

 

Evangelist

Evil's Agent

 

Desperation

A Rope Ends It

 

The Morse Code

Here come dots

 

Mother-in-law

Woman Hitler

 

Semolina

Is No Meal

 

A Decimal Point

I'm a Dot in Place

 

Eleven plus two

Twelve plus one

 

President Clinton, of the USA

To copulate, he finds interns

 

Motorway Service Station

I eat coronary vomit stews.

[Too Tall]

***************************************

 

Things You Won't See On Hallmark Cards

 

OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

INSIDE: That you're not here to ruin it for me.

 

OUTSIDE: If I get only one thing for Christmas...

INSIDE: I hope it's your sister.

 

OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.

INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.

 

OUTSIDE: I must admit, you brought religion into my life.

INSIDE: I never believed in hell 'til I met you.

 

OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder...

INSIDE: What the f*** was I thinking?

 

OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well-respected.

INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.

 

OUTSIDE: Sex with you is like using drugs:

INSIDE: Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it.

 

OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.

INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

 

OUTSIDE: The holidays are a great time to be with family.

INSIDE: Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating b'stard!

 

OUTSIDE: I'm so miserable without you...

INSIDE: It's almost like you're here.

 

OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend...

INSIDE: Buy a dog.

 

OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was?

[Too Tall]

10 things you'll wish you didn't know

 

1. During an hours swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 litre of urine.

2. In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.)

3. An average persons yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.

4. In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!

5. Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

6. Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

7. In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.

8. At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.

9. Daily you will breathe in 1 litre of other peoples' anal gases.

10. Sharing a bag of crisps with a friend gives you a 10% chance of ingesting a small amount of their faeces

[Too Tall]

That's it for today

 

More later in the week

[rain]

10 things you'll wish you didn't know

 

1. During an hours swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 litre of urine.

2. In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.)

3. An average persons yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.

4. In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!

5. Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

6. Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

7. In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.

8. At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.

9. Daily you will breathe in 1 litre of other peoples' anal gases.

10. Sharing a bag of crisps with a friend gives you a 10% chance of ingesting a small amount of their faeces

thanks sooooo much for that Stuart

 

especially No. 3 NO MORE TAKEAWAYS FOR ME *cries*

[Too Tall]

10 things you'll wish you didn't know 

 

1.  During an hours swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 litre of urine.

2.  In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.)

3.  An average persons yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.

4.  In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!

5.  Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

6.  Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

7.  In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.

8.  At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.

9.  Daily you will breathe in 1 litre of other peoples' anal gases.

10. Sharing a bag of crisps with a friend gives you a 10% chance of ingesting a small amount of their faeces

thanks sooooo much for that Stuart

 

especially No. 3 NO MORE TAKEAWAYS FOR ME *cries*

You didn't HAVE to read them. The title did warn you

[rain]

i didnt read the title hahaha

[DavidB]

Thanks a lot for that Mr Tall

[nightprowler]

[nightprowler]

Missed a bit...

 

[nightprowler]

Teamwork....

 

[nightprowler]

***************************************

 

Things You Won't See On Hallmark Cards

 

OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

INSIDE: That you're not here to ruin it for me.

 

OUTSIDE: If I get only one thing for Christmas...

INSIDE: I hope it's your sister.

 

OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.

INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.

 

OUTSIDE: I must admit, you brought religion into my life.

INSIDE: I never believed in hell 'til I met you.

 

OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder...

INSIDE: What the f*** was I thinking?

 

OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well-respected.

INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.

 

OUTSIDE: Sex with you is like using drugs:

INSIDE: Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it.

 

OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.

INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

 

OUTSIDE: The holidays are a great time to be with family.

INSIDE: Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating b'stard!

 

OUTSIDE: I'm so miserable without you...

INSIDE: It's almost like you're here.

 

OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend...

INSIDE: Buy a dog.

 

OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was?

Love it

 

 

[nightprowler]

Mines bigger and better....

 

 

 

 

 

[Too Tall]

Just a couple today

 

More soon

[Too Tall]

Below are genuine announcements made by tubedrivers, on the London Underground.

 

To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

 

 

At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): "Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the passengers off the train FIRST! Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I'm going home."

 

 

"Ladies & Gentleman, upon departing the train may I remind you to take your rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that is metal, fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train for public transport and not a bin on wheels"

 

 

Driver: "I apologise for the delay leaving the station ladies and gentlemen, this is due to a passenger masturbating on the train at Edgware Road. Someone has activated the alarm and he is being removed from the train.

 

 

"Ladies and Gentlemen do you want the good news first or the bad news?" "The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you sent me a card! I drive you to work and home each day and not even a card." "The bad news is that there is a point's failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means that we probably won't reach our destination. We may have to stop and return. I won't reverse back up the line - simply get out walk up the platform and go back to where we started. In the meantime if you get bored you can simply talk to the man in front or beside you or opposite you." "Let me start you off: "Hi, my name's Gary how do you do?""

 

 

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing one from the other. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any".

 

 

"Please mind the closing doors..."

The doors close...The doors reopen.

"Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side of the train are called the doors. Let's try it again, shall we? Please stand clear of the doors." The doors close... "Thank you."

 

 

"I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered into the tunnel at Euston. We don't know when we'll be moving again, but these people tend to come out pretty quickly...usually in bits."

[Too Tall]

This is just brilliant

 

Subject: Your questions answered on flatulence!

 

Great for conversations at dinner parties.

 

Everything you wanted to know about farts, but were afraid to ask.......

 

What makes farts stink?

 

The odor of farts comes from small amounts of hydrogen sulfide gas and mercaptans in the mixture. These compounds contain sulfur. Nitrogen-rich compounds such as skatole and indole also add to the stench of farts. The more sulfur-rich your diet, the more sulfides and mercaptans will be produced by the bacteria in your guts, and the more your farts will stink. Foods such as cauliflower, eggs and meat are notorious for producing smelly farts, whereas beans produce large amounts of not particularly stinky farts.

 

Why are stinky farts generally warmer and quieter than regular farts?

 

(Question submitted by many, many people!) Most fart gas comes from swallowed air and consists largely of nitrogen and carbon dioxide, the oxygen having been absorbed by the time it reaches the anal opening. These gases are odorless, although they often pick up other (and more odiferous) components on the way through the bowel. They emerge from the anus in fairly large bubbles at body temperature. A person can often achieve a good sound with these voluminous farts, but they are commonly (but not always!) mundane with respect to odor, and don't feel particularly warm. Another major source of fart gas is bacterial action. Bacterial fermentation and digestion processes produce heat as a byproduct as well as various pungent gases. The resulting bubbles of gas tend to be small, hot, and concentrated with stinky bacterial metabolic products. These emerge as the notorious, warm, SBD (Silent-But-Deadly), often in amounts too small to produce a good sound, but excelling in stench.

 

How much gas does a normal person pass per day?

 

On average, a person produces about half a liter of fart gas per day, distributed over an average of about fourteen daily farts. Whereas it may be difficult for you to determine your daily flatus volume, you can certainly keep track of your daily numerical fart count. You might try this as a science fair project: Keep a journal of everything you eat and a count of your farts. You might make a note of the potency of their odor as well. See if you can discover a relationship between what you eat, how much you fart, and how much they smell.

 

How long does it take fart gas to travel to someone else's nose?

 

Fart travel time depends on atmospheric conditions such as humidity, temperature and wind speed and direction, the molecular weight of the fart particles, and the distance between the fart transmitter and the fart receiver. Farts also disperse (spread out) as they leave the source, and their potency diminishes with dilution. Generally, if the fart is not detected within a few seconds, it will be too dilute for perception and will be lost into the atmosphere forever. Exceptional conditions exist when the fart is released into a small enclosed area such as an elevator, a small room, or a car. These conditions limit the amount of dilution possible, and the fart may remain in a smellable concentration for a long period of time, until it condenses on the walls.

 

Why is there a 13 to 20 second delay between farting and the time it starts to smell?

 

Actually, the fart stinks immediately upon emergence, but it takes several seconds for the odor to travel to the farter's nostrils. If farts could travel at the speed of sound, we would smell them almost instantly, at the same time we hear them.

 

Is it true that some people never fart?

 

No, not if they're alive. People even fart shortly after death.

 

Do even movie stars fart?

 

Yes most men take more pride in it than most women. There is a large variation among individuals in the amount of fart gas produced per day, but the variation does not correlate with gender. I have read that men fart more often than women. If this is true, then women must be saving it up and expelling more gas per fart than men do.

 

Do men's farts smell worse than women's farts?

 

Based on what I have experienced of women's farts, all I can say is that I hope not.

 

At what time of day is a gentleman most likely to fart?

 

A gentleman is mostly likely to fart first thing in the morning, while in the bathroom. This is known as "morning thunder," and if the gentleman gets good resonance, it can be heard throughout the household.

 

Why are beans so notorious for making people fart?

 

Beans contain sugars that we humans cannot digest. When these sugars reach our intestines, the bacteria go wild, have a big feast, and make lots of gas! Other notorious fart-producing foods include corn, bell peppers, cabbage, milk, and raisins. A friend of mine had a dog who was exceptionally fond of apples and turnips. The dog would eat these things and then get prodigious gas. A dog's digestive system is not equipped to handle such vegetable matter, so the dog's bacteria worked overtime to produce remarkable flatulence.

 

What things other than diet can make a person fart more than usual?

 

People who swallow a lot of air fart more than people who don't. This can be cured somewhat by chewing with your mouth closed. Nervous people with fast moving bowels will fart more because less air is absorbed out of the intestines. Some disease conditions can cause excess flatulence. And going up in an airplane or other low-pressure environment can cause the gas inside you to expand and emerge as flatulence.

 

Is a fart really just a burp that comes out the wrong end?

 

No, a burp emerges from the stomach and has a different chemical composition from a fart. Farts have less atmospheric gas content and more bacterial gas content than burps.

 

Is it harmful to hold in farts?

 

There are differences in opinion on this one. Certainly, people have believed for centuries that retaining flatulence is bad for the health. Emperor Claudius even passed a law legalizing farting at banquets out of concern for people's health. There was a widespread belief that a person could be poisoned or catch a disease by retaining farts. Doctors I have spoken to recently have told me that there is no particular harm in holding in farts. Farts will not poison you; they are a natural component of your intestinal contents. The worst thing that can happen is that you may get a stomach ache from the gas pressure. But one doctor suggested that pathological distention of the bowel could result if a person holds in farts too much.

 

How long would it be possible to not fart?

 

As I understand it, a captive fart can escape as soon as the person relaxes. This means that a lot of people who assiduously refrain from farting during the day do so at great length as soon as they fall asleep. Having been on a great many overnight field trips, long bus trips, and trans- Pacific flights, I can personally vouch for the fact that lots of people do fart voluminously as they doze off. So the answer to the question would be, you can refrain from farting as long as you can stay awake!

 

Do all people fart in their sleep?

 

I have not made a scientific study of this, but I don't think all people fart in their sleep. I think mainly those who refuse to fart when they're awake do so when dozing off. For other people, toilet training takes such a strong hold that they let nothing pass their sphincters in sleep. For these people, the gas accumulates in the night and they vent it upon awakening.

 

Where do farts go when you hold them in?

 

How often have you held in a fart, intending to release it at the first appropriate opportunity, only to find that the fart has disappeared when you are ready for it? I asked several doctors where the fart goes. Does it leak out slowly without the person knowing it? Is it absorbed into the bloodstream? What happens to it? The doctors agree that the fart is neither released nor absorbed. It simply migrates back upward into the intestine and comes out later. It is reassuring to know that such farts aren't really lost, just delayed.

 

How can one cover up a fart?

 

There is a company called Fartypants that sells underwear designed to absorb the odor of farts. If you should be caught without your Fartypants, another ploy is to blame the dog or cat, if one should be present, or complain about how the wind must be blowing from the direction of the paper mill. As for the sound... if you are in a large group of people, act oblivious and innocent, or glance quickly at the person next to you, as if you think he/she did it. Other strategies include coughing or suddenly moving your chair so that people think that they misheard the fart. If you are with

One other person, you can act as if nothing happened, and the other person may believe he was mistaken in thinking he heard a fart. CJT addresses the problem of farting loudly in a public restroom as follows: "My solution: use a handful of loose toilet paper, cover your butt hole and it will muffle the farting; my friends and I call it the 'Buff Muff'!" Depending upon the company, another strategy is not to cover it up, but to proudly proclaim the fart as your own grand accomplishment and to issue a challenge to the others to outdo that one if they think they can.

 

Is it really possible to ignite farts?

 

The answer to that is yes! However, you should be aware that people get injured igniting flatulence. Not only can the flame back up into your colon, but your clothing or other surroundings may catch on fire. A survey done by Fartcloud (the site, alas! is no more) indicates that about a quarter of the people who ignited their farts got burned doing it. Ignition of flatulence is a hazardous practice. However, if you want to try it, and you don't have a friend to light your fart for you, you might find it easier to accomplish the job using the Fartlighter. There have also been cases in which intestinal gases with a higher than normal oxygen content have exploded during surgery when electric cautery was used by the surgeon.

 

Why is possible to burn farts?

 

Farts burn because they contain methane (usually) and hydrogen, both of which are flammable gases. (Hydrogen was the same gas that was used in the ill fated Hindenburg dirigible.) Farts tend to burn with a blue or yellow flame.

Edited October 13, 2004 by Too Tall

[Too Tall]

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