Too Tall's continuing thread of fun

[Too Tall]

Things You Won't See On Hallmark Cards

 

OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

INSIDE: That you're not here to ruin it for me.

 

OUTSIDE: If I get only one thing for Christmas...

INSIDE: I hope it's your sister.

 

OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.

INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.

 

OUTSIDE: I must admit, you brought religion into my life.

INSIDE: I never believed in hell 'til I met you.

 

OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder...

INSIDE: What the f*** was I thinking?

 

OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well-respected.

INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.

 

OUTSIDE: Sex with you is like using drugs:

INSIDE: Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it.

 

OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.

INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

 

OUTSIDE: The holidays are a great time to be with family.

INSIDE: Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating

b'stard!

 

OUTSIDE: I'm so miserable without you...

INSIDE: It's almost like you're here.

 

OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend...

INSIDE: Buy a dog.

 

OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was?

[Too Tall]

*BUMP*

 

More to come later....might be tomorrow though.

[showmasters]

Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Mwaaa haaa haaa!!!

 

Sorry, that's so evil

 

Andrea

[Too Tall]

Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Mwaaa haaa haaa!!!

 

Sorry, that's so evil

 

Andrea

I know I love it

[Too Tall]

True Newspaper Stories (Allegedly...)

 

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (Reuters via The Manchester Evenings News)

 

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Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a special branch vehicle, and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

 

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After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist B@stards. The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr. B@stards has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in his new name. (The Guardian)

 

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There must, for instance, be something very strange in a man who, if left a lone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on (Glasgow Evening News)

 

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A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "this sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

 

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At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

 

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Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out Heil Hitler". (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

 

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Commenting on a complaint from a Mr.Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr.Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that blew his house to pieces." (Bangkok Post)

[Too Tall]

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

 

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

 

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

 

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

 

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

 

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked.

 

"I only came to feed the alligator."

 

Moral:

Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill every time.

[Too Tall]

Some of these are Urban legends I'm sure, but they will creep you out:

 

As an air hostess passed along the aisle of the plane on the transatlantic flight from Amsterdam to New York noticed that the baby, nestled between the couple who were asleep, didn't look very well in fact it looked extremely ill. Not wanting to disturb anyone she gently lifted up the baby and took it back to her station. Feeling the baby's forehead, she found it was cold and with a sudden panic she realised that the infant was dead. Calling upon a doctor she knew to be on board, he examined the baby and confirmed that, not only was it dead, but it was embalmed. The child's body had been hollowed out and it was full of the drugs that the couple were trying to smuggle into the States.

___________________________________________________________

 

A young lady is alone in her apartment. She goes to bed with her dog on the floor beside her. In the middle of the night, she is woken up by a strange sound. She is alarmed, but reaches down to the dog, who licks her hand. She is reassured and goes back to sleep. In the morning, she finds the dog hung in the shower. Where the dog slept, she picks up a note which reads "Humans can lick too."

___________________________________________________________

 

A woman living in the city {Salt Lake} was visiting some friends in Ogden.When she got into her car in front of this friend's house, she noticed that a car started up right behind her car. It was about 2:00 in the morning, and there weren't any other cars on the road. After she had driven to the highway, she began to think that this car was following her. Some of the time he would drive up real close to her car, but he wouldn't ever pass. She was really scared to death and kept speeding to try to get away from him.When she got to Salt Lake, she started running stop lights to get away from him, but he would run right through them too. So when she got to her driveway she pulled in really fast, and this guy pulled in right behind her.She just laid on the horn, and her husband came running out. Just then, the guy jumped out of the car, and her husband ran over and said, "What the hell's goin' on here?" So he grabbed the guy, and his wife said, "This man's

followed me all the way from Ogden." The man said, "I followed your wife because I was going to work, and as got into my car, I noticed when I turned my lights on, a man's head bob down in her back seat." So the husband went over to her backseat, opened the door, and there was a deranged man sitting on the floor with a knife in his hand.

____________________________________________________________

 

Two roommates remain at their deserted college dormitory over a holiday break. One of the girls goes out on a date that evening, and the other one turns in and goes to bed before her roommate returns. Later that night the sleeping girl is awakened by gurgling and scratching noises coming from outside the hallway door. Frightened, she locks the door and cowers

Inside the room until morning. When the girl finally opens the door and ventures outside, she discovers the bloody corpse of her roommate in the hallway. The murdered girl's throat had been slit, and she had bled to death in the hallway while clawing at the door.

_____________________________________________________________

 

In Berlin, after World War II, money was short,supplies were tight, and it seemed like everyone was hungry. At that time, people were telling the tale of a young woman who saw a blind man picking his way through a crowd. The two started to talk. The man asked her for a favour: could she deliver the letter to the address on the envelope? Well, it was on her way home, so she agreed. She started out to deliver the message, when she turned around to see if there was anything else the blind man needed. But she spotted him hurrying through the crowd without his smoked glasses or white cane. She went to the police, who raided the address on the envelope, where they found heaps of human flesh for sale. And what was in the envelope? A note saying "This is the last one I am sending you today."

[Too Tall]

Jokes: "Stupid" Signs

 

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind. Didn't see your sign."

 

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there

was a removal van in our driveway. My neighbour comes over and says, "Hey,you

moving?" Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many

boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

 

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a mate of mine, we Pulled his boat

onto the ramp, I lifted up this big whiting and this idiot on the ramp goes,

"Hey, you catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your

sign."

 

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was

a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way To test it.

"Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to

jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts. When they bite

you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it".

 

Last time I had a flat tyre, I pulled my car into a gas station. The

attendant walks out, looks at my car, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tyre

go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those

other three just swelled up on me. Here's your sign."

 

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house

and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he

gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the Exhaust pipe, then says,

"s***, that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped

him.

 

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know I

misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it

out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help andeventually a local cop

shows up to take the report.

 

He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was

clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So..is your truck stuck?" I

couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back

to him and said, "No ... I'm delivering' a bridge... here's your sign."

 

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said, "Are

you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's

your

sign."

 

 

Anybody you know need a sign today? Send this to all your friends.

 

The next time someone says something stupid ask them where their sign is.

[Too Tall]

Some very funny famous quotes!

 

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's eclipse coverage remarked:

"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's come in his shorts."

 

HERE is Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:

"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

 

ULRIKA Jonsson was a humble GMTV weathergirl talking about snowfall when she revealed:

"I had a good eight inches last night."

 

LORRAINE Kelly on GMTV:

"This year's hairstyle is called a shag and our resident stylist is here to give our model one."

 

MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:

"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

 

Richard Whiteley asking Carol Vorderman to display a word on Countdown:

"Ah, 'erection', let's see it up please Carol."

 

DAVID Dickinson, talking about an antique door-knocker on Bargain Hunt, said to expert Nigel Smith:

"You're a bit of a knockers man."

"Yes," he replied. "I've come across quite a few in my time."

 

HERE is Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning:

"She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

 

ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:

"Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

 

BEATRICE Hillyer was discussing the availability of fresh water in Baghdad when she informed TVam viewers:

"Just after the liberation, I was getting it twice a day in my hotel room."

 

CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe:

"With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

 

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:

"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

 

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:

"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

 

STEVE Cram covering the men's 200 metres at the World Athletics Championships:

"Pumping away, Marlon Devonish has got the Olympic champion inside him."

 

CHAIN Letters host Allan Stewart was discussing a 6ft 5in contestant called Richard when he told two women competitors:

"That's enough d*** for both of you."

 

EXPERT David Batty was examining a bowl with a pineapple-shaped lid on Antiques Roadshow when he exclaimed:

"This is the most magical, wonderful knob I have ever seen."

 

* BEST TILL LAST

CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said:

"You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

[Too Tall]

27 phrases you wish you could say at work

 

1. I can see your point but I still think you're full of sh*t.

 

2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a f**k.

 

3. How about 'never'? Is 'never' good for you?

 

4. It sounds like English but I can't understand a word you're saying.

 

5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

 

6. Ahhh, I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again.

 

7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

 

8. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.

 

9. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

 

10. Someday we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

 

11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

 

12. I don't know what your problem is but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

 

13. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

 

14. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

 

15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

 

16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

 

17. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

 

18. It's a thankless job but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

 

19. Yes I am an agent of Satan but my duties are largely ceremonial.

 

20. No my powers can only be used for good.

 

21. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.

 

22. You sound reasonable ... time to up my medication.

 

23. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

 

24. I'm out of my mind but feel free to leave a message.

 

25. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

 

26. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

 

27. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

[Too Tall]

To properly understand Americans (Yanks to some of you), here are the titles from some sensitive country western tunes. They demonstrate the caring, sensitive side of US. Please note that sociologists take this body of knowledge seriously.

Subject: TOP 25 COUNTRY AND WESTERN SONGS :

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissin You Goodbye

24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure

23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

21. I Sold A Car to A Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don't Run So We're Even

20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You

19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well

18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better

17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

16. I'll Marry You Tommorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here

14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You

13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

12. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woken Up With A Few

11. Mama Get A Hammer ( There's A Fly On Papa's Head)

10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You

9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him

8. Please Bypass This Heart

7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat

5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

4. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Double

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

1. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now

[Too Tall]

That's it for today. ENJOY

[Too Tall]

*BUMP*

[Jog]

[tooty_fruity]

whoopie! altho its only 9:22, i hav the rest of the day to keep myself from bein bored.!

 

kirsty xx

[showmasters]

27 phrases you wish you could say at work....

Only just found your last few posts. A nice bit of light relief after a day of housework!

 

Oh, and I'm SOO printing these 27 phrases out and sticking them up in the office!

 

Andrea

[samwise16]

I like alot of it

[sarah-4-eva]

ui love the creepy ones, i love stuff like that

more

[Too Tall]

I was going to bed the other night when my wife told me that I had left the light on in the shed. She could see from the bedroom window. As I looked for myself, I saw that there were people in the shed taking things.

 

I phoned the police, and they told me that no one was in the area at this time, but they would send someone over as soon as they were available.

 

I said "OK," hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned the police back. "Hello. I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now 'cause I've shot them."

 

Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works.Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.

 

One of the officers said: "I thought you said that you shot them!"

 

I replied, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[Too Tall]

Medical Facts:

 

MASSIVE TUMOUR In October 1991, surgeons at Stanford University Hospital removed an ovarian tumor weighing over 21 stone(294 >lbs.) from a woman. It was the largest cyst ever detached >from a human being. After the operation, the woman weighed 5 stone(70 lbs.) LESS than the tumor.

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INNER SKELETON A 63-year-old widow was admitted to hospital in Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20 inch long skeleton of a fetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body.

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OUCH! A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his towels around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's member and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go. ------------------------------------

SEX EDUCATION A Californian doctor examining a young woman with abdominal pains asked her if she was sexually active. She said that she wasn't. A later examination showed that she was pregnant. Asked why she said that she was not sexually active, the woman replied "I'm not, I just lie there". When asked if she knew who the father was, with a puzzled look she replied "No. Who?"

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BLIND DRUNK A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out half way, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered that the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.

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PRICKLY PAIR In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his spam. He complained that his wife had "a rat in her spam" and it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.

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LAST STAND A Cambridge man hobbled into casualty complaining of a permanent erection. He admitted to doctors that while on holiday in Cuba, he frequented many brothels, and in one he was given some erection cream to keep him hard. He was told to use it sparingly. However, since he was having so much fun, he kept using more and more. By the time he came to casualty, all the blood vessels in his spam were swollen and his testicles had ballooned in size. Doctors could do nothing except prescribe painkillers, and told him that it would return to flaccidity in a few days. They also told him to enjoy his erection while it lasted, because it was going to be his last.

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YUK! A 64-year-old woman with colon cancer kept returning to hospital with an infection around her stoma (the hole where the tube from her colostomy bag is inserted). There was also a mysterious whitish ooze emanating from it. After eventually inquiring into her private life, the doctors found out that she led an active sex life. "And," she told them, "when we're feeling really energetic, my husband gets his kicks out of removing the bag and >using my stoma."

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JUICY LUCY In Kentucky, a woman complained of a purple discharge from her vagina. She thought it might have something >to do with the diaphragm that her doctor had recently given her. "I followed all the instructions to the letter," she told her doctor, "and used it with the jelly." When asked which kind of jelly she had used, she replied "Grape."

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BRUSH AFTER MEALS A very unhygienic patient was being treated by two nurses for a burst vein in his stomach. While changing the dressing, one of the nurses screamed. They saw maggots crawling down the man's chest. They had been breeding between his teeth, and smelling the open wound, decided to feed further down his body.

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CALL THE BUM SQUAD! A World War II veteran came into a London clinic with a hemorrhoid problem. One painful pile would often hang down from the man's anus and he was in the habit of pushing it back up with an artillery shell. On this occasion, the shell got stuck. Doctors were going to remove it but the man told them the shell was still live. So the hospital called in the army bomb disposal squad, who built a lead box around the man's anus to defuse the shell before it could be removed.

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KLINGONS AROUND URANUS A 20-year-old man came to casualty with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel. The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed, along with a stray ping-pong ball.

[Too Tall]

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

 

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

 

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

 

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have big spam.

 

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

 

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

 

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

 

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

 

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones who do.

 

I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

 

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

 

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

 

I've learned to say "F--- 'em if they can't take a joke" ... in 6 languages.

[Too Tall]

These are ALL genuine answers from the UK “Family Fortunes” television programme

 

 

We asked one hundred people to name................. You said...

 

A famous Scotsman..................................................Jock

An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers..A Horse

A jacket potato topping...........................................Jam

A food that can be brown or white..........................Potatoes

A sign of the zodiac..................................................April

Something with a hole in it.......................................A Window

Something people might be allergic to.....................Skiing

A non-living object with legs....................................A Plant

A domestic animal....................................................Leopard

Something red.........................................................My Cardigan

A kind of ache..........................................................Filet-o-Fish

Something you beat ................................................An Apple

A dangerous race....................................................The Arabs

A number you have to memorise.............................Seven

Some famous brothers.............................................Bonnie and Clyde

Something that floats in the bath............................Water

Something in the garden that's green.....................The Shed

Something a blind man might use............................A Sword

Something you wear on the beach..........................A Deckchair

An animal you might see at a zoo............................A dog

A part of the body beginning with the letter N........Knee

Something you put on walls....................................Roofs

Something you do in the bathroom.........................Decorate

A famous Royal........................................................Mail

Something slippery..................................................A con-man

A way of cooking fish...............................................Cod

A form of transport you can walk around in.............My Foot

A method of securing your home.............................Put the kettle on

Something you do before going to bed...................Sleep

An animal beginning with the letter B......................Bullfrog

The last thing you take off before going to bed.......Your feet

Something that makes you scream..........................A Squirrel

A song with 'Moon' in the title;................................'Blue Suede Moon'

Something that flies that doesn't have an engine...A bicycle with wings

Something you open other than a door..................Your Bowels

A famous Arthur.......................................................Shakespeare

A job where you need a torch..................................Burglar

Something you wait in the street for.......................It to stop raining

Something you find in the garden shed...................The gardener

A part of your body you only have one of................Your big toe

Something associated with Egypt...........................Cigars

Something you pull..................................................A potato

A bird that is also a persons name..........................Sparrow

A habit people try to give up...................................Spitting

Something you do on water....................................Wallpaper

A Harry Enfield Character.........................................Sooty

A kind of berry..........................................................French (think about it)

Another TV show with the word FAMILY in the title..The Generation Game

 

Les: Name a famous “Phil” or “Philip”

Contestant: Philip... Johnson

Les: Who is Philip Johnson ?

Contestant: I don’t know.

Edited August 18, 2004 by Too Tall

[DavidB]

Les: Name a famous “Phil” or “Philip”

Contestant: Philip... Johnson

Les: Who is Philip Johnson ?

Contestant: I don’t know.

I wanna know why that made me laugh so much

[Too Tall]

And to Finish off - Just for Sarah as she said she likes the weird ones.

 

If you read one disgusting story this year . . . LET IT BE THIS ONE ! Susy DeLucci and the Miracle of Life. One morning around 5am 22 year old Susan DeLucci of Kittery, Maine, woke up with a painful need to urinate. At first she thought she had diarrhea, but when she stood up out of bed, she realized that it was urinary pain. It was very similar to the feeling of having diarrhea, just out the wrong hole. She wobbled to the toilet and upon sitting on it, her vagina erupted into the most horrific messy farting noise anyone has ever heard. In paralyzing pain, Ms. DeLucci for the next few minutes continued to push and squirt out of her vagina a burning tide of wretch and filth while she gripped the sides of the toilet, white-knuckled. She was screaming wildly, and the neighbors called the police. When medics arrived they found Ms. DeNucci unconscious lying on the floor of her bathroom wearing nothing but her bath robe. Running down her leg, was a stream of brown and green syrup. The medic had to transfer her to a stretcher, so he grabbed her left leg which was bent crossing her other leg, to straighten her out. She was lying there all twisted up. When he lifted her left leg to straighten her body out, he exposed her vagina at which point a creature, no larger than the tip of a finger wormed its way out of her genitals and landed on the floor with a wet popping sound. Shocked, the medic stared at the creature that was lying on the tile bathroom floor in a casing of mucous. It was a tiny mud shrimp and it sat there on the cold floor gasping for water while flipping itself back and forth. The horrified medic turned to the toilet as he felt the nausea setting in. When he put his face down into the toilet to puke what he saw was so horrific that to this day he cannot look into a toilet without convulsing. The entire toilet bowl was boiling with baby brown mud shrimp flipping and splashing at a furious pace. If you think that is bad - wait until you hear how it happened: Ms. DeLucci's death was the result of a combination of shock and severe head trauma. She stood up over the toilet in pain and when she saw what she had done, she went into shock and fell, smashing her head on the toilet and then on the floor. It is believed by police that two nights before the accident she had purchased a live lobster at a fish market. While lying in a tub, she gently inserted the creature's tail into her vagina to derive physical pleasure. At that point, she held a lighter under the creature's face causing it to flip its tail in a violent snapping motion. The medics found a lesbian XXX video in the VCR and the TV was positioned on a table in front of the tub. The lobster was found in the kitchen garbage can wrapped in a paper bag. Traces of Ms. DeLucci's DNA were found on the lobster along with pubic hairs that had wedged themselves between the lobsters' tail joints. The lobster's face was lightly burned with the same fuel used in lighters. The lobster's digestive track and colon were found to be full of mud shrimp egg casings. Doctors believe that the lobster had eaten them (they are common in the water at fish markets and are usually harmlessly boiled to death) and the lobster had crapped them out into Ms. DeLucci's vagina when she was torturing it. Maine mud shrimp only take two days to gestate and Ms. DeLucci was only four days away from getting her period. Doctors believe that at that point of her menstrual cycle, her womb was the perfect PH balance to grow these mud shrimp which are a much larger version of the popular "Sea Monkey" pets sold throughout the US. Overnight the eggs had hatched and the mud shrimp began doubling in size every ten minutes!!! You can imagine the pain she was in when she woke up that morning and gave birth to well over 1,000 mud shrimp in her toilet.........

[Difficult_Random_Chick]

That is disgusting!!!

 

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