Too Tall's continuing thread of fun

[Too Tall]

More coming tomorrow

[showmasters]

EEWWWWWW!!

 

Andrea

[TishTosh]

I'm scared of shrimp...I think im actually not gonna be able to sleep tonight....or tomorrow...or the day after...Errrr cringing

[DavidB]

I somehow think u'll survive Tash

 

Even if that was sick

[Too Tall]

Shrimp Cocktail anyone????

[Too Tall]

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of Money!"

 

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always Right!).

 

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

 

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."

 

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

 

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

 

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

 

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

 

"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

 

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"

 

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

 

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

 

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"

 

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied.

 

The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

 

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

 

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hands!"

[Too Tall]

*If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it)

 

*If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it)

 

*A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig) (How'd they figure this out, and why?)

 

*Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still can't get over that pig thing)(Don't try this at home...maybe at work?)

 

*Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?) (And pigs get 30 minute orgasms? Doesn't seem fair)

 

*The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmmmmm........)

 

*The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of....?)(Did taxpayers pay for this research??)

 

*Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew....? Who cares? How'd they find out, ask them?)

 

*The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)

 

*The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes....can you imagine?? And why pigs?)

 

*A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death. (Creepy)

 

*The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the....) (Well, at least pigs get a break there...)

 

*Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig....quality over quantity)

 

*Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, geez) (That's almost as bad as catfish)

 

*An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)

 

*Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too.)

 

After reading all these, all I can say is.............Lucky Pigs

[Too Tall]

THE TRANSCRIPT OF A RADIO CONVERSATION BETWEEN A US NAVAL SHIP AND CANADIAN AUTHORITIES OFF THE COAST OF NEWFOUNDLAND IN OCT 1995. RADIO CONVERSATION RELEASED BY CHIEF OF NAVAL OPERATIONS 10/10/99.

 

CANADIANS: Please alter your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

 

AMERICANS: Recommend you alter your course 15 degrees to the North.

 

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to alter your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

 

(pause)

 

AMERICANS: This is the Captain of the US Navy Ship USS LINCOLN. I say again, alter YOUR course.

 

CANADIANS: Negative. I say again, please alter YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

 

AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND BIGGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU ALTER YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. IS THAT UNDERSTOOD ? I SAY AGAIN, ALTER YOUR COURSE IMMEDIATELY !

 

CANADIANS: We are a Lighthouse. (silence)

[Too Tall]

A rather chubby fellow was reading the paper one-day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. Guaranteed my a*s he thinks to himself. But let's see what they think they can do. He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 pound weight loss program.

 

The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike's and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

 

Well without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through, he thinks to himself with a nod, "I like the way this company does business." For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time.

 

On the fourth day, he weighs himself, and sure enough he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat slender physique, not to mention the method of "treatment", he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 pound weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their "workout" schedule might be like this time.

 

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22-year-old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reebok's and a sign around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads "If you can catch me, you can have me."

 

He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does it is worth every cramp and wheeze. He is really looking forward to the next four days....

 

For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. "I love this company," he thinks to himself, "I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun!"

 

Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. "Are you sure, sir?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

 

"Absolutely," says he, "I love your program. I haven't felt this good in years!"

 

The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200-pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. The sign reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine!"

[Too Tall]

Subject: 9 things I hate about everybody

 

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal,where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

 

2. People who are willing to get off their spam to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

 

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". f*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

 

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

 

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No flipper, I paid $8 to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.

 

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

 

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

 

8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?

 

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?

[Too Tall]

Real Life Calls

 

Samsung Electronics

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?".

Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about"

Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?".

Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

RAC Motoring Services

Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?".

Operator: Doesn't the product give you a clue?

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France): "If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?".

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Directory Enquiries

Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please".

Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?".

Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B'fell off".

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: "Woven?. Are you sure?".

Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland".

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Caller: "I'd like the RSPCA please".

Operator: "Where are you calling from?".

Caller: "The living room".

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".

 

--------------------------------------------------------

 

Computer Capers

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".

Customer: "OK".

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?".

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".

Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".

Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?".

Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?".

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

British Rail

Customer: "How much does it cost to Bath on the train?".

Operator: "If you can get your feet in the sink, then it's free".

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't Get through to enquiries, can you help?".

Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".

Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".

Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

The Bank

Caller: "I would like to borrow £2,000 please".

Operator: "Certainly, sir. Over how long?".

Caller: "Three years, please".

Operator: "OK, sir. That will be £75 per month for 36 months. Is that OK?".

Caller: "No, not at all. I want it all at once!"

[Too Tall]

NEVER **** A WOMAN OFF

 

A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard and put his spam in a vice.

 

She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.

 

The husband was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"

 

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to".

[Too Tall]

What a woman says:

This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up! Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!

 

What a man hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON

blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I

blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR

blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES

blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

[Too Tall]

PSYCHOLOGICAL TEST

 

The main character in the story is a girl. When she was at the funeral of her own mother, she met this guy who was also there but she did not know who he was. This guy happened to be her dream guy so she fell in love with him at once. A few days later the girl killed her own sister. When the Police asked her why she did that she gave a shocking answer... What is her motive in killing her sister?

 

Answer:

She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you answered this correctly, go to the police and tell them to lock you up. This was a test by famous American psychologists used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in this test and answered it correctly.

[Too Tall]

That's it for today

 

Well you may get some more if you ask nicely

[DavidB]

Pleeeeease I need a laugh lol

[bored_now]

Oh go on. Pretty please. You know you want to really.

[Too Tall]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.

 

The doctor asks him how he's feeling.

 

The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

 

The doctor considers his question for a minute and says, "I have a friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella rather than his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water.

 

He raised his umbrella and went; "Bang, bang," and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

 

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

 

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[Too Tall]

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.

 

In the middle of the night the man leans over and says, "I'm sorry, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket?"

 

The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married."

 

"Why not," laughs the man.

 

"Good," she replies. "Get your own f***ing blanket."

[Too Tall]

A male Whale and a female Whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that harpooned his father many years earlier.

 

He said to the female: "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

 

This they tried and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

 

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors were swimming to the safety of the shore.

 

Enraged, the male whale told the female, "Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female whale becoming reluctant to follow him.

 

"Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow seamen."

[Too Tall]

Taken from an internet site where there's a competition for writing the most romantic first line and most unromantic second line.

 

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty & so is your head.

 

After you, my love, my only prize

Would be a bullet between the eyes.

 

Of loving beauty you float with grace

If only you could hide your face.

 

I thought that I could love no other

Until, that is, I met your brother.

 

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot

This describes everything you're not.

 

I want to feel your sweet embrace

But don't take that paper bag off your face.

 

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes .

.. Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

 

Every time I see your face I wish I were in outer space.

 

I saw your face as you walked by

But then I saw a better guy.

 

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

Marrying you screwed up my life.

 

Beauty is on the inside, but some may doubt,

If its true, I'd prefer you inside out.

 

What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime.

 

I see your face when I am dreaming

That's why I always wake up screaming.

 

My love you take my breath away

What have you stepped in to smell this way?

 

My feelings for you no words can tell

Except for maybe "go to hell."

[Too Tall]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend

the night.

 

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently "widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

 

"Don't worry,"Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light" The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

 

They enjoyed a greatweekend of skiing.

 

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of

that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

 

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

 

"Yes, I do."

 

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house And pay

her a visit?"

 

"Yes,"Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out.

 

"I have to admit that I did."

 

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

 

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"She just died and left me everything."

 

 

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)

[Too Tall]

Just The Facts

 

Some very useless information for you.....!!

 

1. Every year, parks in London alone are doused in one million gallons of dog urine.

2. The germs present in human faeces can pass through up to ten layers of toilet paper.

3. The best recorded distance for projectile vomiting is 27 feet.

4. Contrary to popular belief, if you swallow chewing gum it does not stay in the gut. Usually it will pass-through the system and is excreted without incident. However, several cases have been reported where the gum has stuck in the rectum, causing the unfortunate sufferer to excrete long sticky trails of gum, like a pink spider's web.

5. Several well-documented instances have been reported of extremely obese people flushing aircraft toilets whilst still sitting on them. The vacuum action of these toilets sucked the rectum inside out.

6. It is physically possible to cough your guts up.

7. If your body's natural defences failed, the bacteria in your gut would consume you within 48 hours, literally eating you from the inside out.

8. What is one of the most difficult items for sewage works to handle, as it is insoluble, yet fine enough to pass through most filtration systems? (Every month Thames Water removes over a ton of this substance from its water treatment plants, whereupon it is taken away to a landfill site and buried) You guessed it - pubic hair.

9. Parasites count for 0.01% of your body weight.

10. Henry II was murdered by his homosexual lover, who pushed a red-hot poker 0.5 metres up his rectum.

11. The longest recorded tapeworm found in the human body was 33 *metres* in length.

12. A woman who had recently visited South America, where she had safaried in local rainforest, began to experience severe pains in her left ear, accompanied by headaches, dizziness and constant rustling sounds, at first put down to tinnitus. It became so serious that exploratory surgery was required, which revealed that a spider which had become trapped in her ear. Eventually it had eaten through her eardrum and was living

Within the aural cavity. The rustling sounds were from the spider crawling around inside her skull. An egg sac was also removed.

13. A man in Australia was concerned about a growing lump on his nose, was examining it in the mirror and saw a red back spider crawl out. Doctors found an entire red back nest inside his nose.

14. An obese woman was admitted to a Queensland hospital with stomach pains, it turned out that her T.V. remote control was stuck in between rolls of fat and had become an abscess.

15. Another woman in Queensland who had lost a lot of weight went to the doctor with a big, hard, horn-like object protruding from her abdomen. Closer examination determined that it was years of compacted belly-button fluff.

[Too Tall]

FAMOUS SEX QUOTES

 

Tom Clancy: "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural wholesome things that money can buy."

 

Steve Martin: "You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."

 

Drew Carey: "Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good."

 

Woody Allen: "Having sex is like playing bridge.If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."

 

Rodney Dangerfield: "If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all."

 

Rodney Dangerfield: "My wife said she'd like to have sex in the back seat of the car ... and she wanted me to drive."

 

George Burns: "It isn't premarital sex,if you have no intention of getting married."

 

George Burns: "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

 

Lynn Lavner: "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women ... among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL."

 

Harvey Korman: "Using spam is like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building."

[Too Tall]

I do love these

 

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints/problems, generally known as squawks, recently submitted by QANTAS Pilots to maintenance engineers. After attending to the squawks, maintenance crews are required to log the details of the action taken to solve the pilots' squawks. (P - The problem logged by the pilot.) (S - The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

 

P - Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.

S - Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

 

P - Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.

S - Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

 

P - No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.

S - No. 2 propeller seepage normal - Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

 

P - Something loose in cockpit.

S - Something tightened in cockpit.

 

P - Dead bugs on windshield.

S - Live bugs on backorder.

 

P - Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.

S - Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

 

P - Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S - Evidence removed.

 

P - DME volume unbelievably loud.

S - Volume set to more believable level.

 

P - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S - That's what they are there for!

 

P - IFF inoperative.

S - IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

 

P - Suspected crack in windscreen.

S - Suspect you're right.

 

P - Number 3 engine missing.

S - Engine found on right wing after brief search.

 

P - Aircraft handles funny.

S - Aircraft warned to "Straighten up, Fly Right, and Be Serious."

 

P - Target radar hums.

S - Reprogrammed target radar with words.

 

P - Mouse in cockpit.

S - Cat installed