Showmasters Admin Too Tall Posted July 29, 2004 Showmasters Admin Share Posted July 29, 2004 (edited) I've started this thread to post all my fun stuff in. So if you enjoy this stuff keep an eye on this thread for updates every so often. Please do reply when you enjoy bits, it's good to know people are enjoying them, and it'll keep the thread in view for new people First up, here are links to all my previous fun threads if you missed any: Council Complaints School Notes Accident Claims Travel requests History test answers Sex Laws Silly Signs 10 words that should exist Thing you would never know Aussie intelligence Sporting Guffs Queen Mum's book FBI deaths My Friday thread of fun amzanig huh I'll be editing this first post when I make an update so you know. New funnies last added by Too Tall: 28/07/2005 @ 11:00 Edited July 28, 2005 by Too Tall 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Showmasters Admin Too Tall Posted July 29, 2004 Author Showmasters Admin Share Posted July 29, 2004 COMPUTER SUPPORT NIGHTMARES: At 3:37 a.m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone all from a new user of a Macintosh Plus. She had gotten her entire family out of the house and was calling from her neighbor's. She had just received her first system error and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning that the computer was going to blow up. Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer: "Ok." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'." (At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call.) Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?" Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?" -------------------------------------------------------------------- One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install the batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual the woman replied angrily, "I just paid £2,000 for this damn thing, and I'm not going to read the book." -------------------------------------------------------------------- Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message." Tech Support: "Did you install the update?" Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?" -------------------------------------------------------------------- Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word." Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done." Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'." Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says." Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'." Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk." Customer: "What?" Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?" Customer "No..." -------------------------------------------------------------------- Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?" Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?" -------------------------------------------------------------------- Customer: "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new PC." Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?" Customer: "I can't open the box." Tech Support: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go from there." Customer: "Uhhhh...ok, thanks...." -------------------------------------------------------------------- Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a fairly old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad command or file name'." Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A: Drive - go to A:/ and type 'dir'." Customer: reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'. Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL' again." Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file name'." Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place-it can't help but do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the Enter key?" Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad command or file name'." Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?" Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the 'M' key...does that matter? -------------------------------------------------------------------- At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the computer's asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars. Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network." Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an outage." Customer: "What is that?" Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer." Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar . . ." -------------------------------------------------------------------- Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now my A: drive won't work." Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?" Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all." Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages did you get?" Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out. That didn't work either." Tech Support: "You did what sir?" Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit." Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?" Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came out fine. I can't believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective." Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A: drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?" At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the other techs to listen in. Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what you just said?" Customer: "I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out." Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject button?" Silence. Tech Support: "Sir?" Customer: "Yes." Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?" Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going to sue you for breaking my computer?" Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't follow the instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice, didn't consult your user's manual on how to use your computer properly, instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?" Customer: "Ummmm." Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do record every call and have it on tape?" Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help!" Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Showmasters Admin Too Tall Posted July 29, 2004 Author Showmasters Admin Share Posted July 29, 2004 Subject: School Science You Won't Believe.. The following are actual submissions on a series of quizzes, tests, and essays. Enjoy... "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to. " "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors." "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight." "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is." "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa." "Germinate: To become a naturalized German." "Liter: A nest of young puppies." "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat." "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away." "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky." "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot." "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives." "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative." "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose." "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops." "For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it." "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat." "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow." "For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor." "To prevent contraception, use a condominium." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Showmasters Admin Too Tall Posted July 29, 2004 Author Showmasters Admin Share Posted July 29, 2004 SUBJECT: Courts Things people actually said in court, word for word. (Some lack responses for obvious reasons.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How old is your son-the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he? ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Did he kill you? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision? ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true? --------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How many times have you committed suicide? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? A: I went to Europe, sir. Q: And you took your new wife? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: You were not shot in the fracas? A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Lady Elanor Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 I so have to email those to everyone I know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Showmasters Admin showmasters Posted July 29, 2004 Showmasters Admin Share Posted July 29, 2004 ENCORE! ENCORE! Andrea Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kell Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 Hope you don't mind me crashing this thread with this pic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Showmasters Admin showmasters Posted July 29, 2004 Showmasters Admin Share Posted July 29, 2004 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bling Fling Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 LMAO! xxkissesxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Showmasters Admin Too Tall Posted July 30, 2004 Author Showmasters Admin Share Posted July 30, 2004 Hope you don't mind me crashing this thread with this pic I'll let you off just this once Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Showmasters Admin Too Tall Posted July 30, 2004 Author Showmasters Admin Share Posted July 30, 2004 The Independent Princess: Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle With my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed froglegs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: "I don't f***ing think so." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Showmasters Admin Too Tall Posted July 30, 2004 Author Showmasters Admin Share Posted July 30, 2004 KIDS: HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (As answered by primary school students) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. * Alan, age 10 No person really decides before they grow up who they're going tomarry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. * Kirsten, age 10 WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. * Camille, age 10 No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. * Freddie, age 6 HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. * Derrick, age 8 WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don't want any more kids. * Lori, age 8 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. * Lynette, age 8 On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. * Martin, age 10 WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. * Craig, age 9 WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? When they're rich. * Pam, age 7 The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. * Curt, age 7 The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. * Howard, age8 IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. * Anita, age 9 HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? * Kelvin, age 8 HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. * Ricky, age 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Showmasters Admin Too Tall Posted July 30, 2004 Author Showmasters Admin Share Posted July 30, 2004 THE SOAP STORY: The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests. The hotel ended up submitting the letters to the London Sunday Times. Dear Maid, Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelfunder the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you, S. Berman ----------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Room 635, I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory. Kathy, Relief Maid ----------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Imperial Leather, so I won't need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them. S. Berman ------------------------------------------- Dear Mr. Berman, The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you. Elaine Carmen Housekeeper --------------------------------------------- Dear Miss Carmen, It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the Bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me? S. Berman ------------------------------------------------ Dear Mr. Berman, Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5PM. Thank you, Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper ------------------------------------------------- Dear Mr. Kensedder, My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets. S. Berman -------------------------------------------------- Dear Mr. Berman, I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience. Martin L. Kensedder Assistant Manager -------------------------------------------------- Dear Mrs. Carmen, Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Imperial Leather. Do you realise I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath-size Imperial Leather. Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather. S. Berman --------------------------------------------------- Dear Mr. Berman, You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I personally returned them The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial Leather. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room. Elaine Carmen Housekeeper ---------------------------------------------------- Dear Mrs. Carmen, Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess: - On the shelf under the medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. - On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3. - On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4. - Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. - In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist. - On the northeast corner of the tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used. - On the northwest corner of the tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3. Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip over. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make and excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings. S. Berman Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Showmasters Admin Too Tall Posted July 30, 2004 Author Showmasters Admin Share Posted July 30, 2004 Andrea - That was impressively fast. I only put the new one on 5 minutes ago and you're already here Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Showmasters Admin showmasters Posted July 30, 2004 Showmasters Admin Share Posted July 30, 2004 Andrea - That was impressively fast. I only put the new one on 5 minutes ago and you're already here But I'm not skiving, honest! Guess I was in the right place at the right time! Andrea Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Showmasters Admin Too Tall Posted July 30, 2004 Author Showmasters Admin Share Posted July 30, 2004 I would never have thought you were I do love those kids quotes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Showmasters Admin showmasters Posted July 30, 2004 Showmasters Admin Share Posted July 30, 2004 "IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. * Anita, age 9" Oh, how true! Andrea Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Showmasters Admin Too Tall Posted July 30, 2004 Author Showmasters Admin Share Posted July 30, 2004 *Thinks for a while for a great come back to this one.......gives in* OK I'll have to agree with that one. WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. * Craig, age 9 Who hasn't wanted to this before? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Showmasters Admin showmasters Posted July 30, 2004 Showmasters Admin Share Posted July 30, 2004 *Thinks for a while for a great come back to this one.......gives in* OK I'll have to agree with that one. Sorry, been doing the housework all day. Make's me kind of bitchy. You know, it's amazing some of the places you find dirty socks hiding around the house!! Andrea Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Showmasters Admin Too Tall Posted July 30, 2004 Author Showmasters Admin Share Posted July 30, 2004 *Thinks for a while for a great come back to this one.......gives in* OK I'll have to agree with that one. Sorry, been doing the housework all day. Make's me kind of bitchy. You know, it's amazing some of the places you find dirty socks hiding around the house!! Andrea No worries. I hate house work too, I'll find any excuse not to do it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Showmasters Admin showmasters Posted August 3, 2004 Showmasters Admin Share Posted August 3, 2004 *bump* Did anyone hear something? Andrea 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Showmasters Admin Too Tall Posted August 3, 2004 Author Showmasters Admin Share Posted August 3, 2004 So, you think you've been embarrassed in public? The following are the top four winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest in the "New Woman Magazine".. 1.) While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now", she could be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the Tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter. Amy Richardson Stafford, Virginia 2.) It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my Girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, "SURPRISE!!!" My entire family, aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no-one in my family has planned a surprise party again... Tim Cahill Poughkeepsie, New York 3.) One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE 13, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER???" This actually IS true-it was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it! This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. He wanted to thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope, including the wedding party. He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding. After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "F--- you," he turned to the bride and said F--- you," and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm >out of here." He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong. His revenge: Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guest wedding and reception. Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. And best of all, trashing the bride and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their entire families, i.e. their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Showmasters Admin Too Tall Posted August 3, 2004 Author Showmasters Admin Share Posted August 3, 2004 The following announcements were all heard on various London Underground railway stations. Heard at Earl's Court: "The train at platform three is not going to Parsons Green but to Richmond. The train approaching platform two is also not going to Parsons Green but to Ealing Broadway. These trains are not going to Parsons Green despite what the signal men think." On the Northern Line: "Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me." On the Piccadilly Line: "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?" At Leyton station (where a train was stationary despite a green light): "Sorry for the delay ladies and gentlemen but there is a queue of trains ahead of us so I have decided to wait here, because I'm sure you don't want to sit in a tunnel getting hot and sweaty." On the Central line: "Next time, you might find it easier to wait until the doors are open before trying to get on the train." At King's Cross: "This train is completely broken, it isn't going anywhere." On the Victoria line: "This is Brixton, err, no, it's Victoria!" "This is like that TV advert, I hope the person next to you is wearing a good deodorant!" "Have a very relaxing weekend. Hope to see you all again Monday morning!" At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): 'Please let the passengers off the train first... Please let the passengers off the train first... Please let the passengers off the train first... Let the passengers off the train FIRST!...Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I'm going home.' At Moorgate (after a 20-minute delay): "I apologise for the delay but the computer controlling the signalling at Aldgate and Whitechapel has the Monday Morning Blues." At West Hampstead: "We can't move off because some c*** has their f***ing hand stuck in the door!" At Mill Hill East: "Hello this is [xxx] speaking, I am the captain of your train, and we will be departing shortly, we will be cruising at an altitude of approximately zero feet, and our scheduled arrival time in Morden is 3:15pm. The temperature in Morden is approximately 15 degrees Celsius, and Morden is in the same time zone as Mill Hill east, so there's no need to adjust your watches." On a delayed train at Epping (when the driver had a chat with a colleague unaware that he'd left the tannoy on): "Bollocks to the lot of them, I don't care if they don't make it to work." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Showmasters Admin Too Tall Posted August 3, 2004 Author Showmasters Admin Share Posted August 3, 2004 Subject: Potentially realistic A young boy went up to his father and asked, "what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father pondered for a while, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Also, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you have learned." So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied "Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that." The boy then went to his sister and said. "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied. "Oh gosh!! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!!". The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potential and realistic?" The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on two million dollars, but realistically we're living with two slappers." The father replied, "That's my boy!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Showmasters Admin Too Tall Posted August 3, 2004 Author Showmasters Admin Share Posted August 3, 2004 The latest Darwin Awards update... The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have a chance to breed. 1.A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister. 2.A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6'2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to a one end of a hollow wooden tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward. 3.Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles. 4.A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch,naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital - the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what caused his death. Apparently the man had a habit of putting his spam between the cushions, down into the hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of the sanders,electrocuting him. 5.A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own. 6.A 22-year-old Reston, VA man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground", Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma". 7.A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt, a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized. 8.Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked (you can see what's coming, can't you?). Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object, that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers. 9.Two Michigan robbers charged into a Detroit music store, waving their guns. "Nobody move!" one of the robbers ordered. The second robber then moved - and his startled partner shot him in the head. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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