Too Tall's continuing thread of fun

[showmasters]

i'll b 250 miles away. back to my home town where he still lives!

if only he'd move here then i'd b able to go to it for a lil bit! cant see that happening tho, hes so proud to be geordie!!

 

This means u'll have to come to willen lake now tho dont it!

 

kirsty xx

Ayyy, I just got back from a wedding in Geordieland! As long as this one's fairly successful we should be having more Collectormana parties, don't worry!

 

Thanks for the "reward" TT

 

Andrea

[tooty_fruity]

Ayyy, I just got back from a wedding in Geordieland!

wowsie. lol, stupid weddings, means i wont b at ur show im afraid andrea!

 

bet u've picked up more of the accent agen tho.

 

kirsty xx

[showmasters]

Yup! Jason and Mark kept takin the micky out of me (worse than usual!) and making me say things like book and castle!

Don't worry, there'll be other Collectormania's and parties to go to. Just try and get yourself down to one of the forum meets sometime, we haven't seen you for a while!

 

Andrea

[tooty_fruity]

Yup! Jason and Mark kept takin the micky out of me (worse than usual!) and making me say things like book and castle!

Don't worry, there'll be other Collectormania's and parties to go to. Just try and get yourself down to one of the forum meets sometime, we haven't seen you for a while!

 

Andrea

book and castle, the classics!

 

i hadnt been around much lately.

there was exams and no money for meets and stuff like that.

i'll b at willen lake for sure tho. u gunna b there?

 

and jus so u know, if u get any absolutely fabby guests for C6 i wont b best pleased

 

kirsty xx

[showmasters]

Yeh, more than likely. I'm still trying to scrounge the Sunday off (it's the same weekend as a show we're supposed to be at) but I probably will be there.

 

Ok, I promise we won't get any good guests for C6 at all, just for you!!

 

Andrea

[tooty_fruity]

Yeh, more than likely. I'm still trying to scrounge the Sunday off (it's the same weekend as a show we're supposed to be at) but I probably will be there.

 

Ok, I promise we won't get any good guests for C6 at all, just for you!!

 

Andrea

u keep scrounging girl!

 

and i dont think u'll manage crappy guests! u neva do! lol

 

kirsty xx

[Too Tall]

*bump*

 

I'm not in the office today so no updates today. I'm off with a cold *all say aaarrrr*. But I should be back to work tomorrow so I'll add some then

[showmasters]

Oooh good! Make sure they are extra good ones tomorrow, 'cos it's an extra special day

 

Andrea

[Too Tall]

Oooh good! Make sure they are extra good ones tomorrow, 'cos it's an extra special day

 

Andrea

Sorry Andrea I'm still off work feeling like a big bag of poo. But I promise there will be updates on Monday.

 

PS: What's special about tomorrow (or was that today?)?

[showmasters]

Awww bless. You make yourself a hot toddy and spend tomorrow in bed, and get well soon. If you are still going to NEC next Saturday come up and say HI, I'll probably be on the Collectormania stall for most of the day.

 

Andrea

[Too Tall]

Awww bless. You make yourself a hot toddy and spend tomorrow in bed, and get well soon. If you are still going to NEC next Saturday come up and say HI, I'll probably be on the Collectormania stall for most of the day.

 

Andrea

Thanks Andrea. I'll definitely come over and say hi on Saturday. You won't miss me

 

PS: Happy Birthday

[Too Tall]

The Stella awards:

 

If you've heard of The Darwin Awards then this will come as light relief. Featuring mainly women instead of men for a change, it paints an exciting picture of why there are so many lawyers in the USA....

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

 

In 1994, a New Mexico jury awarded $ 2.9 million U.S. in damages to 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who suffered third-degree burns to her legs, groin and buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself. This case inspired an annual award - The "Stella" Award - for the most frivolous lawsuit in the U.S. The ones you see listed below are clear

candidates. All these cases are verging on the outright ridiculous and yet (in the good old USA) with the right attorney you could win anything! (see OJ trial)

 

1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amok inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little pr1ck was Ms. Robertson's son.

 

2. June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car, when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.

 

3. October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, because the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. Mr. Dickson sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars.

 

4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in it's owner's fenced-in yard, as was Mr. Williams. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams

who, at the time, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

 

5. May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms.Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

 

6. December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded

$12,000 and dental expenses.

 

7. And just so you know that cooler heads do occasionally prevail:

Kenmore Inc., the makers of Dorothy Johnson's microwave, were found not liable for the death of Mrs. Johnson's poodle after she gave it a bath and attempted to dry it by putting the poor creature in her microwave for, "just a few minutes, on low," The case was quickly dismissed.

[Too Tall]

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER

==========================

 

Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from Boston:

 

"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:"

 

 

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

 

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

 

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

 

FRANK: Holy s***, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

 

 

 

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

 

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

 

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

 

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

 

 

 

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

 

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

 

JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

 

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s***-faced from all the beer.

 

 

 

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

 

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

 

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

 

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

 

 

 

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

 

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

 

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

 

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

 

 

 

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

 

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

 

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

 

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric inferno flames. I pooped myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally; she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!

 

 

 

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

 

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

 

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

 

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like poop to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.

[Too Tall]

Yuck:

 

London Travel News

If you are a regular traveller on the London Underground, here are some facts which you are going to wish you hadn't read. During Autumn of 2000, a team of scientists at the Department of Forensics at University College London removed a row of passenger seats from a Central Line tube carriage for analysis into cleanliness. Despite London Underground's claim that the interior of their trains are cleaned on a regular basis, the scientists made some alarming discoveries.

 

The analysis was broken down. This is what was found on the surface of the seats:

· 4 types of hair sample (human, mouse, rat, dog)

· 7 types of insect (mostly fleas, mostly alive)

· vomit originating from at least 9 separate people

· human urine originating from at least 4 separate people

· human excrement

· rodent excrement

· human semen

When the seats were taken apart, they found:

· the remains of 6 mice

· the remains of 2 large rats

· 1 previously unheard of fungus

 

It is estimated that by holding one of the armrests, you are transferring, to your body, the natural oils and sweat from as many as 400 different people.

It is estimated that it is generally healthier to smoke five cigarettes a day than to travel for one hour a day on the London Underground.

It is far more hygienic to wipe your hand on the inside of a recently flushed toilet bowl before eating, than to wipe your hand on a London Underground seat before eating.

It is estimated that, within London, more work sick-days are taken because of bugs picked up whilst travelling on the London Underground than for any other reason (including alcohol).

[Too Tall]

The Beer Scooter:

 

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night of drinking and thought 'How did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the bar to your home. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a beer scooter.

 

The beer scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased out to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has branched out since the decrease in the worship of the Roman pantheon and bought a large batch of these magical devices.

 

The beer scooter works in the following fashion: The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the slurring gland begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects the pheromone and sends down a winged beer scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a trans-dimensional portal.

 

It is not cheap to run a beer scooter franchise, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This generates the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?' Beer scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries). An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip.

 

The nature of trans-dimensional portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This generates the third question after a night out 'What happened?' With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the EMIT (Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's EMIT is not necessarily the EMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained over a suitable period. Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom often with horrific consequences.

 

With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru chain specialising in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts. Another question answered!! For the family man, beer scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and Thump-A- Lot Boots. These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the ringbarked shins. The final add-in Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.

[Too Tall]

What some men do for attention:

 

PORTLAND, OR - A man was admitted to an emergency clinic with severe bruising and lacerations on his spam and testicles, caused in an accident involving a hand held vacuum cleaner. The man had been vacuuming, wearing only a bathrobe, when he tripped, having been distracted because his robe fell open. "It always does that," he said. "I keep meaning to rig up some kind of tie for it, but I never do. I guess I'll get around to it now."

 

He fell on the vacuum and the small beater bar of the device caused enough damage to require fifteen stitches and an overnight stay at the clinic.

 

 

KENNETT, MO - Paramedics rescued a man who had lodged his spam in his bathroom sink drain. The man had been trying to change a light bulb above the sink when he slipped on the lip and fell. His spam sustained heavy bruising and abrasions and swelled so much that he was unable to remove it from the drain. A neighbor, hearing his shouts, called police.

 

They broke the door down, despite the victim's fevered pleas that he was fine and in no need of assistance.

 

Paramedics arrived within 10 minutes and administered an injection, causing the swelling to drop so that the spam could be removed without damage to it or the sink.

 

LOS ANGELES, CA - Attorney Antonio Mendoza, was released from a trauma center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. "My dog drags the thing all over the house," he said later. "He must have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the dog and sat down right on the thing."

 

The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr. Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion. "He was a real trooper during the entire episode," said Dr. Dennis Crobe. "Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in there"

 

BREMERTON, WA - Christopher Coulter and his wife, Emily, were engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter, lick them clean.

 

Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher's spam and testicles. Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked Emily threw a half-gallon bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle broke, covering the dog and Christopher with perfume. Startled, Rudy leaped back, tearing away the spam.

 

While trying to get her unconscious husband in the car to take him to the hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle. Christopher's spam was in a styrofoam ice cooler. "Chris is just plain lucky," said the surgeon who spent eight hours reattaching the spam. "Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be very fortuitous. The high alcohol content, which must have been excruciatingly painful, helped sterilize the wound. Also, aside from its being removed, the damage caused by the dog's teeth to the spam per se is minimal. It's really a very stringy piece of flesh. Mr. Coulter stands an excellent chance of regaining the use of his limb because of this."

 

Washington Animal Control has no plans to seize Rudy.

 

And finally..... From the pages of the Bloomberg News Service...

 

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of a Salt Lake City Hospital.

 

Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. " As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so i peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him.

 

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot up the tube, igniting Mr Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."

 

Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract. (Bloomberg News Service)

[Too Tall]

HOW TO WASH THE CAT:

 

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

 

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and lift both lids.

 

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him to the bathroom.

 

4. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and CLOSE BOTH LIDS. You may need to stand on the lid to prevent his escape.)

 

CAUTION

 

Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge as his paws will be reaching out for anything he can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds.

 

Never mind the noises that come from your toilet; the cat is actually enjoying this.

 

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash" and "rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

 

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

 

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift both lids.

 

8. The now clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself.

 

Sincerely...

The Dog

[Too Tall]

To those who struggle with English these are supposed to be metaphors from actual GCSE essays:

 

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.

 

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

 

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

 

McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.

 

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

 

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre

 

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

 

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

 

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

 

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

 

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr. Pepper can.

 

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

 

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

 

The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.

 

Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

 

The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of Family Fortunes.

 

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

 

The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

 

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

 

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 31p-a-pint night.

 

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

 

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."

 

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

 

It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.

 

The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook MP, Leader of the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.

 

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

 

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.

 

The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.

 

It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.

 

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.

 

She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.

 

She grew on him like she was a colony of E.coli and he was room-temperature British beef.

 

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

 

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

 

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

[showmasters]

 

You've surpassed yourself this time!

 

Andrea

[@field]

thats some good s***

[Too Tall]

Cheers guys, more too come soon

[Too Tall]

Great Newspaper stories:

 

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)

 

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The ManchesterEvening News)

 

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

 

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

 

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (AberdeenEvening Express)

 

Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler." (BournemouthEvening Echo)

[Too Tall]

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

 

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".

 

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

 

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratfordand East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

 

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoriastation and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'".

 

"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Streetis closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

 

"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."

 

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately towels are not provided".

 

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

 

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."

 

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

 

"We can't move off because some idiot has their f****ng hand stuck in the door"

 

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

 

"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways"

 

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".

[Too Tall]

FOURTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK OVER 30 YEARS TO LEARN

 

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

 

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

 

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

 

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

 

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

 

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

 

7. Never lick a steak knife.

 

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

 

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

 

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

 

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

 

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

 

13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

 

14. Your friends love you anyway.

 

Thought for the day:

 

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic. And no, you don't have to forward this to anyone in order for your Life to take on new meaning...

 

Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

[Too Tall]

Screw-ups of the Year

 

When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a hold up in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

 

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The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company.

 

The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

 

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A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

 

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After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

 

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An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

 

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A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant."

 

The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

 

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came, and I was hoping that they would show up again.