Sorry I haven’t written in a while. A lot has been going on right now. Even if I was able to sleep, I wouldn’t. Because all I would dream about is the way I felt holding Renesmee. Like I was her mother, I didn’t want to let that go because it was the happiest moment of my life. And I would have to wake up everyday and tell myself she wasn’t mine. To be able to hold her little bundle of joy. Her baby and call her my own. I’m ashamed to admit it but, I actually wanted Bella to die. I tried to keep my devilish thoughts to myself but I knew Edward knew all about them. And yet he understands, and still loves me. Even after all those thoughts, those… It scared me, the amount of hatred I had for Bella. The way she wanted to be this… creature. To throw away any chance of being a mother, but yet she still got everything. A beautiful daughter. Never having to see her die, always being able to see her graduate even for the 1000th time. I didn’t see this as fair. I still don’t. But seeing Edward with a smile, you don’t have to be a mind reader to realise that he is totally in love with his new family. He is an amazing father, like Emmett would be…I can’t torture myself over things that have already past. He tries to hide it but I know how he sees himself, like a soulless monster. He has more soul than any vampire I have ever met. I wish he could just accept that it wasn’t his fault.
The house has been very crowded lately, what with that ugly mutt and his awful smelling friends. And to think that Renesmee actually enjoys the company of that thing. Jacob thinks I’ve forgotten his stupid stunt, oh don’t worry I haven’t. I still find it sickening that he has imprinted on Ness…Bumblebee. That’s my own nickname for her. Stupid dog. It gives me some hope, that Alice sees good things for the future. That the Volturi have made a choice to push us to the back of their minds. Royalty, ha.
My dear Emmett is still sulking about the arm wrestling match. He enjoys a good joke but they are rarely at his expense. He is always asking Bella for a re-match, he is not used to having his pride dented. Jasper is getting a lot better, I know it’s still hard for him but he is resisting the smell and sight of blood a lot better now. Carlisle is an amazing man. Edward looks up to him, I hope one day that my… Bella’s little bumblebee will look up to me one day with her adoring eyes.
Edited by TwilightT.S, 10 February 2009 - 12:18 PM.