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Silly Torchwood Story


Danse Macabre
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This relates to a series I wrote, and I am still writing. It features Jack and a Little Ianto (he's been zapped by an alien device that makes him four and a half) if they would appear at a convention. They appear on the 'whofic' website but this relates to the fact I've been to the Hub 2 and going to Hub 3. Thought it was funny, so thought I would share....

 

TELLING TALL TALES

 

“And we welcome our special guest, Captain Jack Harkness!â€

 

The applause was close to deafening. Jack shifted Ianto onto his left hip and carried him out into the light. Ianto buried his face into Jack’s shoulder and Barney and the sound died down. There was a ripple of collective ‘aawws’ through the audience. Jack moved to the centre of the stage and looked at the two chairs.

 

“Hey, look at that, a chair with your name on it, and Barney’s.â€

 

There were two directors’ chairs, one with ‘Captain Jack Harkness’ on it and the other read, ‘Ianto Harkness-Jones, plus Barney’

 

Ianto’s face remained in Barney’s fur. Jack turned his face to him, the voice would be picked up by the microphone in his hand but he spoke in his usual gentle voice.

 

“Do you want to sit there or with me?â€

 

“Mith oo,†Ianto announced through Barney’s thick fur. The crowd dimmed further, ‘aawwing’ again.

 

“Okay,†Jack said.

 

He looked at the chair suspiciously. It was hardly the strongest looking thing in the world, he wasn’t entirely sure it would take their weight. He looked at the audience and then at the MC. It would look less than perfect if he, Captain Jack Harkness, landed on his backside in front of all these people. Still in the end, Jack had to take the risk. Very carefully, negotiating coat, small child and his own weight he got himself down into the chair.

 

“How often do these things break?†Jack asked. There was a knowing titter from the audience. Jack paid no attention; he could concentrate on settling Ianto in his lap. Ianto clung to Barney, hiding in his fur. As Ianto often did. His eyes regarded the audience with a level of suspicion. Jack felt very much the same.

 

“Well, we have to thank you for being here, and of course remind you that any questions asked, you have to answer honestly.â€

 

“I’m aware of that,†Jack said. The glare he sent the MC was mild but it conveyed the fact he wasn’t happy. There were certain questions he couldn’t answer, or shouldn’t. Or it would lead to a whole world of trouble if the truth came out.

 

“I’ll put retcon in the beer, and the shot bottles. Trust me,†Owen had said before Jack had gone on. “They’ll all be so pissed at the end of the night that a lack of memory won’t bother any of them.â€

 

“Great,†Jack had said, but hadn’t felt very reassured. Ianto had batted Owen with Barney, which said it all really.

 

“Okay, first question,†The MC brought Jack back to the present. “Which a lot of people asked, how hard is it to look after Ianto, now he’s your child, not your boyfriend?â€

 

Jack felt Ianto bristle at that one, never mind himself. Jack hugged him closer.

 

“It’s not difficult at all. He’s not a child, he’s just Ianto. And he’s not my child.â€

 

Ianto answered by blowing a loud raspberry. Jack grinned. The crowd went ‘aawww’, or at least a very good portion of it did. Ianto stopped wriggling on his lap and looked out at them.

 

“The next question is on a similar theme. Will you be renewing your relationship when he grows up?â€

 

Jack scowled. “Renewing is an operative word. It will be renewed, as in changed. And quite frankly the intimacy is none of your concern despite the fact that…. Do you want to get down?†He turned and asked Ianto as he shuffled forward on Jack’s lap.

 

“Yes!†Ianto snapped. He jumped off Jack’s lap and tucked Barney under his arm trotted off down the central stairs, pushing the MC out of the way, sending him reeling sideways. Then Ianto ran right, lifting Barney over his head and making aeroplane noises.

 

“Sorry,†Jack said to the audience. “The relationship will ‘renew’. It may not have the same form though. And in case you hadn’t noticed, he is four years old, so moderate your content please.â€

 

The MC looked down, slightly embarrassed. He flicked through his cards hurriedly, trying to find something that was clearly less damaging to ask.

 

“Oh, right. Still on a similar theme, do you have children of your own?â€

 

Jack regarded the crowd. “Yes, I do.â€

 

There was a very long, quiet murmur. But he had answered the question, he was under no obligation to go further.

 

“But you’ll learn about that soon enough. Next question,†Jack said. With a hint it could just be yes or no answers if they weren’t careful. The MC flicked around again, a little desperately.

 

“Okay, do you believe that we should try and get out into the universe, or should we really see all aliens as a threat?â€

 

Jack raised his eyebrows. Ianto, who was holding Barney up to a graffiti wall that had been set up for the attendees and was happily having a conversation with him, paused and looked at Jack.

 

“I can hardly give a simple answer to that one. The truth being, there is no fixed agenda. As much as certain things are predicted the nuances can change. You do have quite friendly, helpful aliens out there and also already here, and some who are less friendly. What you need to think about, when you get out there is your own attitude. You do not exactly treat each other with an open mind, so I’d think it was a cause for concern when…. Ianto…!â€

 

Jack had been digging a very deep pit. Until he got a pause to collect himself, because Ianto had trotted past the wall and something beyond the room had apparently caught his attention. Now, as Jack called his name he paused. Jack waved his hand, indicating him back into the room.

 

“Don’t wander off, I want you where I can see you. Sorry, back to the point,†he said to the crowd. “Look at yourselves first, before you think about anyone else.â€

 

There was a very disconcerted murmur at that.

 

“How do you feel about how many people dying at Torchwood, at your hands?â€

 

Jack felt one very large disconcerted murmur run though him at the sudden, almost vengeful, question. The face of the person asking looked embarrassed, the MC hadn’t wanted to ask it, but clearly someone had made him. Jack felt his anger rise, the emotions of the crowds shifted and then shifted again. Their attention had changed, turning to the back of the hall as Ianto trotted down that way, as he turned and realised he had Jack’s attention he dived down behind the first block of seats into the aisle space. Jack grinned. He had said he had wanted to see Ianto. Now he couldn’t, even though he was in the room.

 

The group of people near him turned to look at what he was doing. Whatever it was had entertaining qualities. They all turned to watch him.

 

“Well, you’re never happy about that sort of thing but you can’t say that people aren’t…â€

 

Jack tailed off and he smiled, very dopily. He knew he was doing it and he couldn’t help it. In the mid aisle, right at the back, just a little off the floor Jack saw Barney’s head appear. As if he had been popped out to watch him. Ianto was playing. He had been told to be where Jack could see him. And Ianto had used that. Attention in the room focussed on Ianto as he wriggled up and peered around Barney, and then shot back again. A second later Barney pulled back, then he was curled around the arm of the nearest chair leg and his head was pushed out again.

 

The crowd went ‘aawww’.

 

There was so much attention around Ianto that the rest of the room had to look. Jack saw a photographer move forward and a few people were using their phones.

 

“You need my permission to photograph him. I’m his legal guardian. And I don’t give it.â€

 

That made everyone pause.

 

“First time for everything,†a voice snarled. There was a ripple of nervous laughter. Jack’s congenial expression faded. He didn’t just go into neutrality, his expression turned to one of hatred and anger. It was one that was best avoided. Ianto thought so too. Barney disappeared and the eyes fixed on Ianto widened somewhat.

 

The MC looked around, picking up on Jack’s emotions.

 

“That’s right, no photographs. You know the rules.â€

 

There was a further murmur of discontent, this time from a different section of the audience. Jack knew that most of the photographers had not been malicious in intent. Ianto, in his current form was cute, very cute. And that was the point now. Most of the room was now focussed on him, as he played with Barney, and tried to get Jack’s attention. And that was Ianto’s point.

 

Most of his adult memories were lost and controlled by what was going on in his head but his personality was still there. Very strongly. It had taken Jack a little while to learn some of the points, and the little nuances that were less than subtle. But his power to manipulate situations to how he needed them never changed. Ianto could be relied on to do what was needed. And he was doing it now.

 

Ianto paid no heed to the currents around him. Instead he pushed Barney out a little further and then dived out, he pitched forward in a very clumsy forward roll and he plopped onto his backside with a thump sprawling out on the floor of the aisle. He gawped at Jack in shock before scuttling behind the section of chairs on the other side. Barney’s head popped around the chair again.

 

“Erm… sorry,†the MC said looked harassed. Jack shrugged. “Erm… what sort of plans do you have for Torchwood, in the future? A lot of people asked that.â€

 

Jack was starting to wonder who the ‘a lot of people’ was. But he said nothing for the minute. Half the audience were still enraptured by Ianto’s behaviour. It was perfect, but then again, even when he was flawed Ianto was perfect. Jack could have said more than he wanted to, than he needed to. But most of it wouldn’t be taken in. The one thing that most people would remember about this was Little Ianto cavorting around the room. Which was his point.

 

Ianto had the ability to manipulate people, and situations to his advantage. This time he was working towards Jack’s advantage. Doing what Ianto did best, manipulation. He was distracting everyone away from Jack, so Jack didn’t have to worry about his answers. Ianto was making sure the situation worked to their favour and the manipulation was perfect. It was, Jack often thought, a quality that Ianto wasn’t particularly proud of. But that didn’t stop him being good at it and Jack was perfectly happy to let him. So he answered the question.

 

“I actually, don’t plan for the future. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. And in a way, that’s how I live. I can’t predict things or make things better. I only have what I can deal with. I’m not some great messiah here I just….â€

 

Jack paused because so had Ianto. He had run over to the far end of the room. To the far aisle where the windows beyond were hidden behind a dark swath of curtain and he ran up to the back and paused. Then he turned and whispered something to the girl sat right at the back. She giggled and turned and started a ripple.

 

Whatever Ianto said made the people in that circle laugh and it moved out. It was like a wave as it went out. Jack cringed inwardly, it was bound to be personal but utterly harmless. Ianto ran off, running around the back area of the hall where it was clear of chairs. Barney flew over his head as he ran weaving around the columns.

 

Jack didn’t get as far as asking what Ianto had said because as he idly watched him run he also saw him turn and then pause and stiffen in shock. Jack was on his feet and moving just as Ianto started to scream.

 

This time there was no play, it was high pitched and filled with terror. Ianto had been running with the back door in his line of sight and what he saw terrified him. He back-peddled and whirled around, running blindly in the opposite direction. One of the girls working on the door, Jack saw her red tee-shirt, jumped forward to stop Ianto colliding violently with a supporting column. The impact would have most certainly done Ianto damage. But the touch wasn’t appreciated by him, he howled even louder. The girl let go, guiding Ianto past the column into Jack’s path. He glanced at her and nodded his thanks. Ianto ran straight into him and hit hard.

 

Jack swept him up and held him tightly. He looked up and saw why Ianto had screamed.

 

“I told you no **** costumes!â€

 

He roared it in the direction of the man covered in silver plastic, looking so much like a Cyberman that even Jack had to do a double take. At least these people were thorough, he thought to himself. He turned away, tucking Ianto’s face into his shoulder. Barney arced through the air, down the room. He hit a girl sat on the end of a row in the middle aisle. Jack held onto Ianto, the girl picked up Barney and held him, unsure of what to do next. Jack spun again, saw another door and encountered a black and gold Dalek. His eyes widened and even he recoiled.

 

“Like that’s any better!†he snapped.

 

Spinning on his heel he turned and strode down the centre aisle. The girl holding Barney held him out and Jack caught him up in one hand as he swept past. The MC fell aside under the sway of two people as Jack came towards the stage and Captain John Hart headed down from it, guns drawn. Both men paused and glared at each other. Their voices were picked up on the MC’s microphone as they talked.

 

“What the hell are you doing?!†Jack snapped.

 

“Fun Size started screaming. I figured… well…†John paused, looked at the guns he was holding and holstered them quickly. “It sounded serious.â€

 

Ianto continued to whimper and cry. Jack pushed Barney at him.

 

“Do you want Barney?â€

 

The muffled response sounded obscene and Ianto’s little hand pushing Barney away said it all. Ianto burrowed his face harder into Jack’s shoulder and his hands clenched.

 

“I can shoot them,†John offered waving his gun in the direction of the Cyberman and Dalek at the back of the hall.

 

“That might be over kill, really.â€

 

“Are you sure? I’m quite certain these people have no life… hello…†John said brightly to the young blonde on the front row. “Are you alone?†She nodded eagerly. John raised his eyebrows.

 

“You need some friends. You geeks, move…â€

 

John waved his gun and the people around the blonde scattered.

 

“Right,†John said. “You, you and oh… yes… definitely you… join your new friend here. And you, you and you and get right to back of the room.â€

 

He turned to grin at Jack. “I can handle this.â€

 

Jack grinned and tightened his grip on Ianto.

 

“Let’s get out of here,†he murmured to Ianto. Ianto nodded, and then his head lifted as they left the hall.

 

“Ice cream?â€

 

“Oh yes, Ianto. We are sooo…going to go for ice cream.â€

 

“I told them,†Ianto said.

 

“Told them what?†Jack asked a little warily. Ianto’s voice sounded confused but certain all at the same time.

 

“That you liked chocolate ice cream.â€

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